She wakes up Rage and grace
Pulling me closer Pushing away
And me the sharpest thorn on Your vine
Twisting and turning we’re all Intertwined

Broken wing Empty glass
Words that scream and bounce Right back
She says, “You know, we’d all like to rearrange”

I wish I could fix you
And make you how I want you
I wish I could fix you
And I wish you could fix me

I wish I could heal you
And mend where you are broken
I wish I could heal you
And I wish you could heal me

The beaming sunrise buries the night
The setting sun destroys the light
And she said “baby I’ve got to get going”
Cutting each other without even knowing

She sees a million stars, like holes in the sky
All gods tears for her they cry
And I am in her rain

Broken wing Empty glass
Words that scream and bounce Right back
She says, “You know, we’d all like to rearrange”

Fix You – The Offspring

---

This is absolutely the best way to wake up. My best girl wrapped around me, her naked body exhausted from a wild night of sex. My body instantly reacts to her proximity which amazes me because about now my cock should be dropping off from over use.

“You have got to be kidding me.” Her husky voice groans into my chest with a giggle. It’s enough to make me completely tent the sheets as she lifts her head. “God Elliot, when you get old and gray I’ll have to put you into the home for the perpetually horny.”

I laugh, “Yeah, I’ll be getting morning wood but I won’t remember what I’m supposed to do with it.” I roll her over onto her back, half straddling her and lean in for a kiss. “Hey, sweet thing. How are you feeling this morning?”

“Used and abused. I think I have chafing on my chafing and I’m pretty sure that we broke a table last night.” I roll over onto my back again and snuggle her into me.

Last night will be ingrained on my memory forever. We had been into the hospital to visit Ana’s Dad and afterward had gone up to the Mile High Club for dinner. A plate of oysters and half a bottle of Bollinger later we had to cancel our mains because my sexy, enticing fiancée had driven me completely insane with her naked foot under the table. We only made it as far as the bathrooms before we had ripped each other’s clothes off and fucked up against the wall of one of the bathroom stalls. A friend of my grandmother’s happened to wander in as we were coming out and I swear that she shot me a look of approval. I guess Grandma will be having words with me at some point today.

We made a quick decision to stay at the apartment rather than drive out to the treehouse and after checking that Ethan and Mia weren’t home, we proceeded to make use of every available surface to sate ourselves. After four solid hours of hot and heavy sex, culminating in the shower, we finally crawled into bed just in time to hear Mia and Ethan come home. They may have been arguing but quite frankly I was out of it so quickly that I missed the whole thing.

I reach down to touch my very hard and very sore dick and draw my hand back with a hiss. “Fuck, I don’t think the table is the only thing we broke last night.” She giggles and then groans when the phone starts to ring. I reach over and pick it up without looking at it. “Speak to me.”

“Elliot, it’s me. Is Ana with you?”

“Christian. No, why would she be here?”

“Don’t fuck with me Elliot. I’m going out of my fucking mind here.” I haven’t heard Christian sound so rough for a long time. What the hell is going on? Kate leans back and looks up at me with a question in her eyes. I shrug.

“Christian I swear, she isn’t here. What happened?” Kate registers what I am saying and with a flash of anger grabs the phone off me.

“What the fuck, Christian! What the hell have you done?” She listens for a while and her anger quickly turns to concern. “Hang on, hang on. Alright. She isn’t here but I am sure she is safe. She obviously just needed time to calm down. What was the fight about?”

We are both sitting up now and I throw a t-shirt on and boxers. Tossing Kate’s singlet and shorts to her I quickly go out through to the living room to check just in case Ana has arrived in the middle of the night. I move back through to the bedrooms. Ana’s bed is still in her room but it is empty. A quick peak into Ethan’s room gets me a quick ‘fuck off’ from Mia. I explain that Ana has gone AWOL and go back to the bedroom where Kate, who is now dressed, is standing in the middle of the floor with her back to me still listening to Christian. For a moment her body tenses and she drops the phone, storming out of the room, pushing past me as she goes. I am tempted to follow her but I can hear Christian yelling at the other end of the phone.

“Christian. What did you just say to Kate? What was the fight about?” I am walking down the hallway when I hear an almighty crash, like a vase being hurled against a wall. Behind the door beside me I can hear a muffled ‘shit’ and the sound of Mia and Ethan scrambling to get dressed.

“Elliot. Ana found out she’s pregnant and I reacted badly. I went out and got drunk and…” But I am no longer listening. Fuck. I race into the living room in time to see Kate pick up a lamp and throw it across the room. “Elliot, what was that?”

“Fuck. Christian, I’ve got to go.”

“But Ana, I don’t know where she is.”

“Christian, not now. I’m sure she is fine. I’ve got to go.” Kate starts to scream as she pulls books out of the bookshelf throwing them on the ground. I move across the room as quickly as I can sensing Mia and Ethan standing at the door behind me. Wrapping my arms around her I drag her to the ground and then wrap my legs around her to stop her from thrashing. Slowly her body gives in and emits the most gut-wrenching screaming moan I have ever heard and her sobbing begins.

“Shh, baby, I’ve got you. I’ve got you.” I keep whispering in her ear, holding her firmly so she can’t hurt me or anyone else, including herself. Her body strains against me and I know if I let go she is going to throw herself against the floor and really do some damage. While her body rages I keep whispering softly until the shaking becomes a tremble and she relaxes back into me, loudly crying out her pain. “Tell me. Baby, tell me what you’re feeling.”

At first she just screams and then her terrifying cries turn to words. “I want my baby. I want my baby.”

“I know, kitten. I know. I want that too but we have to let it go now. We have to let go. This isn’t Ana’s fault. Please baby. Please come back to me. Please don’t leave me.” I feel that sinking black hole of panic rising up to take over me. I can’t lose her again. I won’t lose her again. We had moved on, together. John Flynn had helped but we had done it together. If she pulls away now I don’t know what I will do. So I do the only thing I can do and hold her until her body calms.

Mia and Ethan quickly clean up the mess she has made and make tea. They don’t say a word until we are all down on the floor with Kate. Mia gently holds her hand guiding her to the cup.

“Kate, drink the tea. It will help, sweetheart.” I don’t think I have ever seen this side of Mia except with stray animals when she was very young. Ethan has one hand on Mia’s back as if he is supporting her to reach out to his sister and whereas earlier I might have felt that they were invading our privacy, now I am just very glad that they are here. It is obvious to me that Ethan has told Mia about the baby by the way she is speaking. I look at him and he confirms my suspicions with a quick nod and a world full of sorry in his eyes.

My phone starts to ring again but I ignore it. Ethan gets up and grabs it from the kitchen bench where I left it.

“Hi Christian, it’s Ethan…No they can’t come to the phone right now…Christian she isn’t here, I promise you. We are not covering for her…” The exasperated tone of Ethan’s voice is enough to get me seriously pissed at my brother. Passing Kate carefully into Mia’s arms I am confident that she is calm enough now not to hurt anyone. I stand up and grab the phone off Ethan.

“Christian. For the last time, Ana is not here.”

“Well, Kate must know where she would likely go. I’ve checked everywhere I can think of including calling Ray’s hospital ward but no one has seen her. She hasn’t used her credit card. Where the fuck is she?”

“Christian. Ana is a big girl. She can look after herself and she will come home when she is ready. If you weren’t such a stupid prick you would be celebrating your impending fatherhood right now with your wife. Instead you have to be a selfish adolescent and make this all about you. If Ana tells you to take a massive fucking hike right now I wouldn’t blame her. In fact I would help her kick your sorry ass out the door.”

“Jesus, don’t you think I know that I fucked up. I overreacted. I was a stupid shit but I can’t apologize to her if she won’t fucking tell me where she is. Can I speak to Kate please?”

“No. Kate can’t talk to you right now.”

“Fuck Elliot. I thought they were best friends, sisters. Why the hell is Kate being so fucking selfish? Why won’t she just come and help me find her. She can flog me with a nine iron later I just need to find Ana.”

Up until now I have been angry but calm. This just makes my head explode. “Fuck off Christian. Kate cannot talk to you right now and the last person she wants to see is Ana. This is not about you. For once in your life can you just shut the fuck up and deal with your own fucking shit! I am tired of fucking bailing you out. My fiancée is on the floor right now having a fucking breakdown and I don’t need this.” I am yelling into the phone at my brother and I just don’t seem to be able to stop. Every secret that I have ever kept from him is about to come spewing out of me like vomit and I know if I go there we will never come back from it but I can’t seem to help myself.

Ethan races over again and takes the phone off me with a panicked look on his face. “Christian. You just need to know this. A couple of months ago Kate had a miscarriage. She and Elliot have been through a lot trying to deal with their loss and they didn’t want to tell you and Ana leading up to the wedding…No, Ana doesn’t know.” There is a pause as he listens. “Yes, I think that would be sensible…. No, none of us will tell Ana. It should be Kate’s choice to tell her if and when she’s ready. I hope you understand. My sister doesn’t want to feel like this about your news but she has been through a lot of pain and this has put her in a state of shock…Yeah. We will. Go find Ana and let us know when she is safely home… Good luck, man.”

Ethan looks around at us all then flips the screen of the phone again. “John, Ethan Kavanagh. We’ve had a set back with Kate and I suspect, Elliot.” My body is trembling, I recognize the signs. Mia is still rocking Kate on the floor. “Yeah, we are at Kate’s apartment … Yes. Thanks. See you in an hour.”

---

An hour later Kate and I have showered and dressed, as have Ethan and Mia. Ethan is holding Kate on the couch, her tears have stopped but she won’t speak. I just want to get out of here, get home to Zeus and go for a long run, but I can’t leave her. Mia lets John into the apartment.

“Elliot. How are you?” I look at him knowing how blank my expression must be. For some reason I can’t feel anything, no rage, no sadness, not even emptiness. I just feel blank.

“I’ve had better days, John.” I try to smile but I am fairly sure it is a grimace.

“I’m sure you have, son. Would you like to talk about it?” Once more I feel like I am having an out of body experience. No, John, I would not like to talk about it. I don’t want to reveal to Mia what a complete ass her favorite brother is. I certainly don’t want to air my own dirty laundry any more.

“Shouldn’t we be focusing on Kate? She is the one who seems to have had some sort of episode.”

“I’m fine Elliot. Honestly.” It is the first time she has spoken since before Christian called. I look at her expecting her head to start spinning but she smiles. “I am more worried about you now.” I don’t know if she is mad or I am but one of us is clearly insane. I have no idea what to do or say next.

“Kate, you scared everyone, I think. Would you like to talk about how you are feeling now?” John has such a soothing voice that I am sure he could simply talk us into a hypnotic state.

“I’m sorry about that but it felt really good. It felt like I was purging. I think I needed to do that, does that make sense?”

“Perfect sense. Elliot?” When my eyes find Kate’s I see it. She is there. I move across the room and kneel on the floor at her feet, taking her hands and placing my cheek into her palms. She is still for a moment and then she lifts my head to look into my eyes.

“Baby, I’m sorry. I…” Her eyes are shining again. She looks almost happy, serene.

“Kitten, don’t…I was so worried that I was going to lose you again. I’m just so happy you’re still here.”

“I’m here, baby. I’m not going anywhere. We have a wedding to plan and … I want to try and have another baby.”

My heart swells as I suck in breath. “What?” She looks at me with tears glistening. Then she nods. “You will try?” Still nodding, this time with tears gently flowing down her face she throws herself into my arms. Holy shit! We kiss and laugh through the tears until someone clears their throat behind us.

“Everything okay?” John asks. We look at each other for a moment, checking.

“Yes, thank you John. I know I gave everyone a fright but really, I think we are going to be just fine.” Her lips touch mine again.

“Good. Well, my work here is done.” Ethan walks John to the door apologizing for the house call.

When he gets to the door, John turns around once more. “Kate, you really should think about why you haven’t told Ana.”

Kate looks at me, fixing her eyes on mine for a moment before looking up at John. “I have thought about it, John. I think about it every day.” Her hand squeezes mine as John nods and heads out the door.

Christian calls to let us know that Ana is fine and it was all a mistake. He isn’t very believable. Kate and I both decide to take a day off and head out to the treehouse. As we’re leaving Mia stops us at the door.

“Kate. Elliot. I just want to say how sorry I am for everything that you’ve been through. I love you guys.” She throws her arms around both of us almost knocking us off our feet. I look over her shoulder at Ethan expecting to see his wry smile. Instead I see worry etched across his face. Kate must see it too because she breaks away from Mia and walks over to him, sliding her arms around his waist.

“It’s going to be alright. We’re going to be alright.” She snuggles into him and he wraps her up tight.

“I hope so, baby girl. I really hope so.” His eyes focus desperately on my sister making me wonder if this is about Kate at all.