Oh my son look at what I’ve done
But I am learning still
Know that I am learning still
And oh my wife you are my life
And I am burning still
Know that I am burning for you still
And all, all, all of my light is for you
And home, home’s anywhere you are too
So take this one fallen man on his knees
Saying please forgive me
Oh my God how you make it hard
Not to pick the apple
Pick the apple
And Lord I long to give it back
And I was on shakey land
Lost and unsure I opened my hand
And she held it like sinking sand
And all, all, all of my light is for you
And home, home’s anywhere you are too
So take this one fallen man on his knees
All, all, all of my light is for you
And home, home’s anywhere you are too
So take this one fallen man on his knees
Saying please forgive me
Forgive Me – Missy Higgins
When Christian first called us that morning the light had only just begun to filter through the blinds of my bedroom. Always an early riser, Elliot woke me with his gentle laughter and teasing. His tenderness, his unwavering love sits on my shoulders and keeps me company through most of my days now. So when I took the phone from Elliot in an effort to calm Christian down, I never suspected how the darkness was about to come crashing down on me. Instead, I listened with half an ear to his rant as I picked up my cell phone and sent Ana a text. If they had a fight she might not answer him, but she would probably answer me. I had just hit send when he dropped his bombshell.
Ana is pregnant with his child and he, self-centered, juvenile adolescent that he is, had reacted badly. In another lifetime I would have torn him another asshole and pulled them kicking and screaming back together but his words hit me in the gut like a sledgehammer. I’ve had weeks, months do deal with my pain. I have spent a small fortune on therapy, for what? When it counted the most, the world crashed down around me. So I never heard then what he had actually said to make her want to leave him because the walls had already started caving in. I don’t recall what happened in the next hour or so. John explained it as a hormonal reaction akin to going into shock or a trance. The chemical reaction in my brain set of a chain reaction that I could not have predicted or altered. Rage, blind fury, the need to destroy something. It was all far too overpowering for me to remain present. I couldn’t stand and listen to Christian’s concerns any more, not because I didn’t care about what had happened to Ana but because my body took over and I was in flight or fight mode. Given how little I remember, I will have to take John’s word for that.
I do recall Elliot yelling at Christian down the phone before hanging up on him. I recall the feel of Elliot’s strong arms and legs wrapping me up and securing my limbs tightly. I remember the agony of my screaming heart. Then the world went black. When I woke up again I was clutching a cup of lukewarm tea, Mia on one side of me and Elliot, my love, my heart, my rock, on the other side. John Flynn arrived somewhere in between the darkness and the return of the light, just in time for me to register that something inside had shifted. As I looked around at these people I love, who love me, my world rushed in with startling clarity. The grief that had been a massive lead weight in my heart for weeks was gone. Not that I would not always mourn but that mourning would no longer be an earthly weight pulling me under.
Over the past few weeks I had no idea how much the pain was holding me still. I had chosen not to tell Ana about the baby, justifying it in my mind as not wanting to inflict a pain I didn’t understand that might undermine my best friend’s happiness. She wasn’t the only person I shut out. I barely spoke to my mother about it, not wanting to see the pity in her eyes. The few conversations that had reached me, Grace, Elliot, John Flynn had barely scratched the surface of what I was really feeling but with each one I had convinced myself that I was dealing with it all. That I had it under control. The truth was I couldn’t have told them when I didn’t understand it myself? All I know is that this morning my mind had unleashed hell, or Christian had triggered it for me, and somehow, in the aftermath, my heart felt lighter. But now I needed to seek their forgiveness.
During the morning I try to both call and text Ana again. First Christian and then Jason had let us know that they had found her so I know that she is safe, that she is at work but she refuses to take my calls. I can’t blame her. I had locked up all my pain inside for so long. If she is hurt by something that Christian has said or done in reaction to the news about the baby then she has every right to feel that telling me is only going to make it worse. In the end, that is all I have really done over the past few months. Made things worse between her and Christian. What would possibly give me the right to be the person she would turn to in a crisis now? I just hope that when she does finally talk to me that I can explain and perhaps she might see me as a real friend once more.
Christian is also lying low having assured us of her safety, he refuses to discuss the details with Elliot. For all the concern that we hold for their marriage, right now we have to be happy not to be caught up in their problems. If this is about the baby then Christian will come around, I am sure of it. Once he does the requisite grovelling at Ana’s feet, she will no doubt forgive him. I just hope that they can both forgive us for not allowing them into our lives when we could have done with their friendship and support. What seemed like such a wise course of action months ago now feels like a betrayal of trust. We may have a long way to go to win that back.
In the aftermath, Elliot and I go out to the treehouse. We tend our baby’s tree, walk Zeus along the shoreline, make out in the open air of our magical garden. We swim, sing and work in the turret office space that we now share. More than anything we talk. Long hours of sharing, laughing, planning for our future and discussing our wedding, planning our family. Several more times I try to call Ana without success. I don’t want to interfere but whatever is happening with her and Christian, I don’t want her to go through it alone. I can’t help but feel that I held her at arms-length for so long and that she probably didn’t feel like she could rely on me.
Now it is late afternoon and we are lying in our bed, looking up at the sky. I reach over and stroke his face before tracing a path with my tongue across his chest. My hand slides down over the sheet to feel him stiffen beneath my fingers. Sliding my body over his I concentrate my efforts on squeezing his balls as I stiffen his nipples with hot moist kisses. He groans beneath me, his fingers tangling in my hair, his head thrown back.
Looking up into his sweet face I am mesmerized by how beautiful he is. How much he responds to my touch. After last night I didn’t think we would make love for a week but my body needs him like a drug addict. Pushing myself further up I lick the saltiness of his neck. Eventually I arrive at his ear and I suckle his earlobe as he writhes beneath me.
I whisper in his ear, “I know you may not believe me, and I don’t expect you to forgive me for my stance these past few weeks but I really want to make babies with you.” His hands still on my body before he sits up, lifting me with him and until he can look me directly in the eye.
“Sweetheart, are you….” I place my fingers on his lips to silence him and shake my head.
“I know this is difficult to believe but yes, with all of my heart, yes. And I want to start now. I don’t care if I am pregnant walking down the aisle, I don’t want to wait.” His lips press my fingers and he moves my hand to his heart, his crystal blue eyes focusing on mine.
“Kitten, I love you so much but you need to know that you are more important to me than anything else in this world. I want a family, but I want you more, by my side, forever. If there is ever a time when you change your mind then I want you to know that I will support you no matter what. I can’t live this life…I won’t live this life without you.” His words, so genuine, reflect the purity of his spirit and in this moment where our love has never been stronger, I know that the world underestimates my Elliot. Well, no more. Now we are truly a team to be reckoned with and I will champion this man of mine to the end of the earth.
“Do you really want a big wedding?” Thoughts of making love are back on hold as we lie back down in our massive bed. Zeus on the floor by the fireplace snoring lightly. I rest my chin on my hand which is still placed across his heart. Again, his eyes seem to be trying to read mine. “It’s just, I’m not sure that I do.”
He chuckles. “And you really think that your mother is going to let you get away with anything less?”
“No, which is why you and I would need to be totally on the same page to be able to change her mind.” His head tilts to one side for a moment and then he shrugs.
“So, what’s the plan?” Zeus’ head pops up over the bed and peers at us before he nuzzles my bare foot with his wet nose.
“Come here, Zeusy.” Our big bear wanders further up the bed so I can reach his head with my hand. “What do you think about going back to Haiti for the wedding. We could get married in the church at the orphanage.” I don’t look at him while I ruffle Zeus’ shaggy fur and pretend a nonchalance I don’t really feel. Elliot is quiet, watching us as his hand traces random circles on my back.
“Can I ask you something?” Our hands both still for a moment then Zeus pushes at my hand urging me on. I scratch his ears as Elliot contines. “Would you consider adopting Mattie? I mean, if we could get past the bureaucracy, if there were any possibility, would you want to?”
Mattie, the little boy that we met in Haiti while on holiday a few months ago, has been on my mind a lot lately. Since our friend Liana went back to Port-au-Prince we have skyped her a couple of times and Mattie has come on line to talk to us. It is his smiling face that often haunts my dreams. “Yes.”
“You know that if we do this, there is a chance that the authorities will say no. I don’t want you having to deal with that disappointment.” I know what he is thinking. I would be thinking the same thing. Sitting up on the bed I pull the sheet around me. If we are having a serious discussion then I don’t want him distracted by naked tits. Zeus puts his paw up on the bed and I push his nose away.
“Zeus, sit.” The dog dutifully sits and I feel a little proud of myself. It took us a while but Zeus almost sees me as higher than him in the pack. I think we have reached some sort of understanding. I look back at Elliot who has scooted back in the bed and is now sitting up again, leaning against the padded headboard. My mouth waters a little as I look at his six pack abs peeking over the top of the pillow he has helpfully draped over his lap. My eyes take a leisurely trip over his well-defined chest and arms all the same as I resist the urge to look down his muscular legs to his sexy feet. If I see those feet then this discussion is all over.
“Babe, I know what you are saying, and I can’t give you any guarantee but I am not sure that we have a choice. We both love that little boy so much already. Maybe we won’t win, maybe he won’t want to come and be with us but I am not sure that we could live with ourselves if we didn’t at least try. Does that make sense?”
Elliot’s hand reaches out to take mine as he pulls me onto his lap. “You are the most amazing woman in the world, Katherine Kavanagh. We should ask Dad if he has any recommendations about the process. Maybe we can get the wheels turning before we go to Haiti for the wedding.”
I lean in and kiss his nose. “You’re pretty amazing too. So shall we set a date or do you think we should wait until we get a little further down the track with the adoption?”
“Babe, you know I would wait forever for you but I really want to marry you. I don’t think we should wait any longer than we have to. I really want the right to call you my wife and I certainly want everyone to know that you have me heart, body and soul.”
I can’t help but think that must be patently obvious to everyone who sees us. “In that case, why don’t we get everyone down there before the end of the year?”
“You know that you are going to have to come clean with Ana, don’t you?” His face is so serious, his concern so warming. Yes, Ana needs to know everything I have been holding back. I just know that she isn’t going to be leaping at telling me about her baby. Especially if there is any hint of tension between she and Christian.
“Yes. I know. And I will. But you know that you are going to talk to Christian too. These secrets that we are all keeping from each other aren’t doing any of us any good. We could say that it is nobody else’s business but we are talking about people we love who are hurting. And some of that is because of us.”
He frowns, looking down at his hands. “I know. I just don’t know how to start. This has been going on for such a long time. I keep telling myself that it won’t serve any purpose to talk about any of it now but then I keep seeing Christian stumble and I can’t help but think that if he could share some of it then he would stop making such a colossal fuck up of his relationship with Ana.”
“Do you think they are alright now? Did Christian say what really happened last night?” I left him to have a conversation with Christian at one point this afternoon but it was fairly brief.
“No, not really. I think he did something really stupid and I am hoping that it didn’t involve going to Elena. If he was drunk then he might have been stupid enough to bring her into their problems.”
“Please don’t mention that woman. I can’t believe the damage she continues to do to this family. If I hear that she had anything to do with it I will not be responsible for my actions. I swear I will put a hit on her.”
He squeezes me closer and nuzzles my neck tracing a lazy pattern with his tongue. “Baby, let’s not. I’m sorry I brought her up. Let’s just forget Christian and Ana for a moment and talk about what we can do about Matty. You know it is early. We could go have a conversation with Dad about this.”
Holding his face I lean in and kiss his lips, putting all the love I can into that one simple gesture. “I want to talk to him and we will soon but tonight I simply need you and Zeus and our love nest. I just want to keep the world out for a few hours more.”
“Fine by me, kitten. Fine by me.”
The rest of our evening was spent cooking and eating a simple meal together, taking a long bath and watching Gene Kelly. I have learned that my macho man loves old movie musicals. It is more than merely liking the story or the movie though. As we watch, we discuss the sets, the use of the artworks, the contrast of the costumes. The sheer joy that is Kelly’s oeuvre.
Elliot is wearing a t-shirt and boxer shorts looking relaxed and gorgeous as he leans back on the sofa. My feet are in his lap and he gives me a glorious foot massage as we watch tv. Picking up my foot he places a kiss on my toes sending a shiver up my spine. I try not to react as he gently kisses and then sucks on my big toe, swirling his tongue around. God I love that feeling and he knows it. For some reason, there is a connection between my feet and my pussy that is impossible to fathom but he takes every opportunity to capitalize on it. His eyes are brimming with laughter as he watches me squirm.
With my other foot, I grip my toes around his hardening cock, rubbing his length through the thin fabric of his boxers. His hand slides down my leg until he reaches the top of my thigh and then he rubs around the edge of my panties, teasing me. Finally, he pulls his mouth away from my foot.
“You wanna take this upstairs?” As much as I love our newly renovated bedroom, the thought of getting down and dirty on the floor of the living room is just far too tempting. I move to stand up and he looks ready to move when I sink to my knees before him, my hands sliding his shorts down over his hips. His cock springs free, erect and proud. His long thick length all but slapping me in the face.
“Katie. What are you doing?” My tongue is already making its way steadily up his length so I pause for a moment and raise my eyebrows. Question me if you want Mr Grey but I am still going to give you a blow job. I wrap my hand around the base and then sink my lips over the top taking him fully into my mouth. Sucking hard I pull my mouth up as my hand descends beginning a long slow rhythm that has us both groaning. “Kitten, that feels so good.”
My other hand reaches between his legs to grasp his balls, squeezing gently. He expels a hiss of air through clenched teeth. My mouth descends again, tongue flicking, teasing, tasting. My hand continues to pump and he involuntarily thrusts into my mouth, his hand on the back of my head. Pulling out of my mouth, he places his hands under my arms and lifts me off the floor.
“Turn around.” His voice is a husky whisper in my ear, sending a shiver through my body. I turn in his arms and he presses his body firmly against mine, his erection nestled between the cheeks of my ass, one hand sliding down inside my panties. His fingers slide into my wet folds and I grind back against him. “Let’s get these off.”
I slide my panties down and he steps away for a moment to give me room. His hand in the small of my back presses me forward until I bend provocatively presenting myself to him. He gives my ass cheek an appreciative stroke before sliding his fingers into my wet, naked pussy.
“You have such a beautiful cunt, baby. I won’t ever get tired of looking at those sweet lips.” He grazes those throbbing lips with his cock as he leans in to whisper in my ear. It never ceases to amaze me how completely wanton he makes me feel. Right now he could ask me to do anything and I wouldn’t say no. I have never allowed any lover to have such sexual power over me, probably because I have never felt so loved and adored. He steps back again to look at me as he slides his fingers in and out in a leisurely fashion, spreading the hot moisture of my arousal as he moves.
Moving towards the sofa I lift my legs so that I kneel, hands gripping the back for balance. I feel him kneeling down behind me and then the heat of his breath on my aching pussy as he sucks gently on my hard clit. His tongue flicks lightly over the stiff little nub before he lets his fingers take over as he fucks me with his tongue. A moan of pleasure from me brings on a groan of satisfaction from him and I feel my orgasm take hold. Between my gasps I hear him sucking and swallowing me down.
“You taste so amazing, babe. My favorite.” He whispers the words into my thighs as he slides up my body, standing upright behind me. Moving closer, he slides one arm around my waist to grip my breast, while the other continues to penetrate me. Hot wet kisses on my shoulder have me pushing back as he moves to position his cock at my entrance. I widen my stance and drop my shoulders forward in invitation and he thrusts. The first thrust is heavenly, a heady mix of heat and pain from our marathon fuck last night. His hand continues to grip my breast, massaging the aching mound. Settling into a magically slow rhythm he fucks me thoroughly, making sure that I feel every hard, throbbing inch of his luscious cock as it enters me.
“Touch your clit for me, baby.” Without hesitation I reach between my legs and begin to frig my clit while he continues to fuck me. I stroke his cock with my fingers as he pulls out each time and he utters a strained “fuck” as he builds. His intensity, his heat, his passion and appreciation has me on the edge again and I start to pulse and fall into my own release as he shouts out, letting his orgasm take hold. We both must be making a lot of noise because we hear a howl from Zeus in the next room that sets us off laughing. He pulls out of me, picking up his boxers to wipe me down before pulling me down onto the sofa and into the protective circle of his arms.
I feel his lips on my hair. “I love you so much, Katie.” His breathing is still ragged but his body is sated and relaxed beneath me and his hands absently stroke over my naked skin.
“I love you too, Elliot. So much.” I feel so content, so at peace. Finally, it feels like everything is falling into place and emotionally we are in the same space. I tell myself that nothing could possibly mar our happiness right now. How things can change within the space of twenty four hours.
It is late in the afternoon of the next day when I get a frantic phone call from my brother.
“Kate, you have to get to the hospital.” My first thought is Ray.
“Ethan, what? What has happened?” I can hear him breathing hard down the phone line. If it was Ray he wouldn’t sound like he had run a marathon. What the hell is going on?
“Kate, I need you. They won’t let me see her. I have to see her. You need to talk to Elliot. Please.” I can hear the desperation in his voice. “Please, I have to see her.”
My brain is working over time and then it clicks into place. Mia. “Ethan, calm down. I take it this is about Mia. What has happened?”
“She and Ana. They got in a situation. I’m sorry, I think Ana is in a coma but I can’t find out anything more. But Mia, that sick fuck drugged her and I need to see her. I need to know she is alright.”
“Fuck. Ethan, I am sure Mia is fine and they will only be letting the immediate family see her for now. I’ll be there as soon as I can. They will probably let you see her tomorrow.” I’ve never known Ethan to get so upset about any woman he was dating. Not that I have known many of them. I know he and Mia have been sleeping together but he never seemed terribly serious about her. “You know, the way you run hot and cold with her it is no wonder that no one is letting you in. If you really care about her then you might want to rethink your dating strategy.”
“I don’t need a fucking lecture from you, Kate. My wife is lying in a hospital bed right now and these fuckers won’t let me in to see her.”
I feel so sorry for him. He sounds like he might either hit someone or start crying at any moment. Maybe Elliot can convince someone to let him see her. I don’t think I have ever heard him sound so desperate and wounded in my life. And then I register what he has just said.
“Your wife! Jesus, Ethan what the fuck do you mean by ‘your wife’!”
A/N: Thanks for your enthusiasm for this story and I apologize for taking so long with the updates. If you have jumped over to Making Mia – and I hope that you have – then you will see that things are very complex and I am trying not to write myself into a corner with Going Grey. As you can see, we have had a big reveal here which I have a long way to get to in Making Mia so I hope that I don’t end up changing direction before I get to it.
Thanks for the wonderful reviews. I love each and every comment and they really do help me to shape the story and refine the storytelling.
Thanks again to you all for your continued patience and support. Sasha xox