Sometimes I don’t know who I am. Most of the time, as a post structuralist I am fairly relaxed with this. I understand that identity is not stable. We all have multiple subjectivities which see us become different people, take on different roles in different contexts. These roles also are not stable as they change over time with our encounters with others and our growth in knowledge and experience. This is the type of perspective that allows Christian to have wild mood swings and to become a loving father by the end of FSoG, while still being a deeply scarred little boy, an emotionally stagnant adolescent, a dom in the play room and Master of the Universe in business. But like Christian and Ana who present differently in business, with family and in the bedroom, I feel that I am caught up in my own double life and quite frankly, I think it may be making me schizophrenic.
I am currently sitting here, in my home office, on a normal work day. My work allows, in fact encourages, nay almost insists that we spend part of our working week at home. They are training us for the day when they finally can’t construct any more buildings and all their employees have to share offices or sit out on the street. But it won’t just be offices, it will be desks and work stations as well. Can’t wait to see the booking system for this. We can’t train academics to use centralized booking systems for meeting rooms, can’t see us being able to book work spaces and there are simply not enough people I am prepared to share a seat with in my faculty. So I am doing my duty (compliance in the most subversive way – God, I am starting to sound like Ana), sitting here working (playing), paying for my own power, internet, phone…which reminds me I must talk to my accountant.
The upshot is that it is cheaper to put us all on mobile technologies and give us laptop computers than it is to find us a permanent office space. I will let you know when they finally kick me out of my current office (known as the Harry Potter cupboard for a good reason) because that will be a hoot of a story in itself.
So I (writing as Dr J) now have a new laptop, courtesy of work, which has freed up my home laptop for Sasha to use. See how this is getting just a little scary? Sasha now has her own blog and gravatar profile, domain name, fanfic profile, email address, fb identity and author page. What seemed like a fun experiment in writing has taken on, quite literally, a life of its own. Or her own. The laptops have been set up now with Dr J’s work on one and Sasha’s on the other but since this transfer of identity is still in process I sit here with both computers running. If I face the window I am Dr J, if I face the wall I am Sasha. Confused? Try being me, whoever that is.
To this end, Sasha is a role that I step in and out of. I have tried to keep her at bay until the end of the working day but now she is taking over here as well. Dr J answers an email from a difficult student, Sasha rewards herself with a blog post response, Dr J fills out an admin spreadsheet, Sasha works on her FSoG/Creating Kate timeline spreadsheet, Dr J works out a few readings for next trimester’s course and Sasha reads another blog, fanfic story, e-book on how to write a great sex scene… One day I am worried that Dr J will get a phone call and Sasha will answer – “no, I do not want to change electricity companies, you moron, I don’t actually exist!”
(NB. Since I am now writing in third person, am I adding another identity? Narrator perhaps?) I also wonder who slept with SuperGeek last night but that is a whole other person I think. Mrs Wild Secrets has taken to an interesting array of nightwear and nocturnal activity, all in the name of research for Sasha. Needless to say SG thinks that Xmas has come early.
Now, I have shared way too much information with all of you for you to think that I would care if you found out more about Dr J. My employers themselves (possibly) would be understanding of Sasha’s existence, they are open to anything that explores the boundaries in popular culture. However, it is the nature of what I am actually employed to do that requires that Dr J and Sasha never be seen together. Enough said. I am sure that those who do business with Christian would not be surprised that he is a dom. They just might not want to do business with him for all sorts of ‘public relations nightmare’ reasons. The difference is that Christian is keeping his secret life a secret while Sasha is busy whoring herself around the Internet in blatant acts of self promotion. Needless to say, Dr J should be afraid… very afraid!
Sasha aka Dr J aka Mrs Wild Secrets aka The Narrator
(from the window, the wall, virtual space and the cupboard under the stairs)