We’re gonna burn what we never mean

If it hurts if it’s killing me

Throw it in the fire then we walk away

Start over from another place

There’s a bonfire burning up

You just throw it on the fire

Sometimes the flames burn high

There’s a bonfire burning up

You just throw it on the fire

Sometimes and wave goodbye

–Bonfire – Meese–

---

Why do I feel like we have resolved everything and nothing today? I tried to get hold of Ana and got a few short texts from the airport lounge before she boarded her plane to say that everything was fine but not much else. Ever since she met Christian it feels like she has been holding back from me and it is so not like her. Or is that just what I want to think? She has always been my sounding board when it came to relationships but since this is the first relationship that I have ever seen her in, how would I know how much she wants to share with her best friend? Maybe it isn’t Christian? Maybe she has always been this private and since I have a tendency to dominate every conversation I have simply never noticed.

How much am I prepared to tell her about Elliot? In the past I would have been so quick to reveal all the dirt on every guy I went out with but now…I don’t know. Elliot has trusted me so much. Would I betray that trust? I am still prepared to tell Ana how much he rocks my world but that is not the same as sharing the sensitive and damaged side of him. There is this fragile part that he is asking me to take care with. The problem is how can I protect him from me? The lover and friend wants to guard him zealously while the journalist in me wrestles with the idea of exposing him and laying all his secrets bare. And I know there are still secrets, still things that he has not and maybe never intends to reveal.

His words today stopped me in my tracks. How would I feel if he was telling Christian, or James, any of the details of our sexual relationship? In the past that seemed to be part of the fall out of being me. Any guy who got near Kate Kavanagh usually had a story to tell his mates over a few drinks later and most of that was exaggerated. I am so used to that side of getting involved with men that to have Elliot all but admit he is going to defend my honor and keep our private life private is almost a novelty. Elliot Grey, honorable rake, who knew?

Our fight this afternoon is still sitting like a lump in my throat with nothing really resolved. Elliot and I may never be able to reach any real agreement about how to deal with Ana and Christian but we have acknowledged that our opposing philosophies are about how we best feel we can protect them as people we love. This gives me hope that we are at least coming from the same value set and tonight, at least, I want to forget how helpless and frustrated I feel being away from Ana.

The cooler evening breeze blows through the palm trees as Ethan, Elliot and I wander down to the beach to join the Eros frat boys for a bonfire. As we approach I see the guys and Stella plus a few of the other staff members from Zanzibar‘s. There are guitars, drinks and the smell of bananas being baked in the embers. The group shouts out a welcome to us as we arrive.

James walks over specifically to greet us and wraps me in a big hug spinning me around with a big sexy grin on his face.

“Hey, Miss Kate, so you finally dragged your old man out of the sack. Great that you could join us. Mmmm… you smell good, girl.” I can’t help a flirtatious giggle at his enthusiasm. He glances at Elliot who punches him in the arm with a mock frown.

“Hey, put her down, she’s mine. And less of the old man. As for noticing her smell, that just confirms our long held suspicions that you really are a sick creepy pervert.” He trusts James with me. Interesting.

James grabs Elliot in a head lock and they wrestle each other to the ground before TJ steps in and dacks James, causing him to release Elliot and chase TJ further up the beach. Laughing, Elliot recovers, wraps his arm around me and guides me over to find a seat by the fire.

“Hey Kate, welcome. Do you want a drink? Wine or beer?” Stella’s smile is genuine and open as she reaches into a cooler bag beside her.

“Oh, beer thanks.” I smile as she passes it to me. I really like this girl and wonder how I could have though differently about her last night. “Thanks. Are they always like this?” We watch them charging around like five year olds.

“Worse!” Stella and Elliot say in unison and we all laugh. Our bottles make a clinking sound as we toast each other then move to the fire. We quickly settle in and soon Elliot and Will have taken up the guitars playing through song after song as we all join in singing. They are both really good and the guys even have the harmonies worked out. It sounds so good that soon others are joining us. Elliot is in his element, even more relaxed doing this than at any other time I can recall, except perhaps in those post-coital moments in bed.

Eventually the storytelling begins and I don’t remember when I have laughed so much as they regale us with the near misses they have had both at Sirens and on building sites. Mike was at Sirens first and longest amongst the group.

“So those were the days where we still did full frontal. Embarrassing man.” Mike blushes.

“Would have been embarrassing for you. Who would have known that you were naked? You need a microscope to find it.” TJ teases. Stella swats him on the thigh and he feigns a painful injury.

“Don’t joke man. This one night I am up there doing my thing and there are the usual hen night groups there. Anyway, someone gets this one BTB to sit right in the front of the runway.”

“BTB?” I am feeling a little ignorant but I ask any way.

“Bride to be.” Will replies.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, so she is sitting there gazing up at me with her eyes all loving and glazed and she is giggling all the way through as if I am just the best thing she has seen. I go into my final moves, drop the whole lot and shake my package above her. Well, she just continues to giggle and stare but her reaction doesn’t really change. No shock, no embarrassment, no lascivious lip licking. Nothing. When I get backstage I am pretty shattered that I haven’t been able to get a better reaction from her. Later I go out to work the audience and her girlfriends let it slip that this chick usually wears glasses and decided not wear them tonight because she thinks she looks prettier without them. No contacts, no nothing. Blind as a bat without them. Consequently she missed the whole thing.”

“Nah, man, even with a telescope she would have been hard pressed to find it.” TJ earns himself a cold mushy banana in the chest for this one.

Next Will pipes up. “Yeah, well at least you haven’t stepped backwards off the apron. l broke my tail bone and couldn’t sit down properly for a month.”

“Oh so that is what happened. We all thought you were putting out for Zeke.” TJ cuts in and this comment earns him a sharp stare from all the boys. I am confused by this but before I can ask Elliot cuts in.

“Yes, but have you ever forgotten your black g-string?” Elliot asks and the guys all laugh except for TJ who groans and stares at the ground shaking his head.

“Oh man, I am never gonna live that down, am I?”

“Please explain.” I look at Elliot.

“The black thong is a staple in our wardrobe and no dancer would be without it. TJ couldn’t find it this one night and he had to wear an alternative which turned out to be one with a big fucking, yellow, smiley face on it. He thought it would be okay since the lights went straight to the black out at the end of the routine and he is at the back of the formation. So we finish and all turn around and there is TJ, standing there with a big glow in the dark smiley staring back from his crotch. I thought Zeke was going to kill him.”

“Zeke?”

“Zeke is the manager, MC and choreographer at Eros. Camp as a row of pink frilly tents but real popular with the ladies and a great guy to boot. But that night he had critics in the audience to do a review. I thought he was going to blow a gasket.” James explains.

“Yeah, well I think he blew the critic that night just to cover for that one.” Will throws in. Ah now I get the comment about Zeke earlier and I wonder if Will is gay too.

“Ew, Will…” Stella throws a shell at Will playfully and he gives her a big grin. There is something in his eyes that makes me think he wants more as I look from Will to Stella. And perhaps she does too. Mmm…maybe not gay. I notice that tonight Stella has spent the evening leaning back against James’ and he has his arms around her shoulders, but she is looking at Will now with almost longing and once again I wonder what the relationship is with her and the guys. She seems really comfortable with all of them and they are very inclusive and protective of her. I get the impression tonight that she is like a sister to them all. Except maybe Will judging by the look on his face too. Knowing that now is not the time to ask I store up my questions for later. There is a story here, I just know it.

oOo

It is late when Ethan, Elliot and I head back to the villa but we all decide to go for a late swim before bed. For the first time in the last two weeks I am starting to feel like I actually relax about Elliot but I am still worried about Ana.

“Do you think everything is alright in Seattle?” Elliot shoots me a look to shut me up in front of Ethan but I have already peaked his interest.

“Why? What is happening in Seattle?”

“I am just a little worried about Ana living in the apartment by herself. It seems like a pretty shitty thing for us to move cities and then for me to just up and leave her.” Elliot seems to release a breath as I try to spin a plausible story for my brother.

“Isn’t she seeing your brother?” Ethan looks at Elliot.

“Yeah, but it is pretty casual, you know. I am not sure how serious she is about him.” I almost hope that my words are true and Elliot gives me the evil eye.

“I’m sure they are fine, that she is fine, Kate.” His voice is quiet and almost threatening.

“Yeah, well, we will be back there next week and then we get to live in the shag pad together.”

“Ethan! Don’t call it that. And you will not be having a revolving door policy while you are living with Ana and me.” I thump him hard on the shoulder and he groans. Elliot looks pissed.

“The real issue is that we might not be going back next week.” Elliot wipes water out of face. He looks tired.

“Oh?” Ethan is rubbing his arm and looking at the both of us for answers. During the evening James talked to Elliot and I quietly about the situation on Haiti. The guys are in the middle of rebuilding a boarding school for a large group of orphaned children. Their friend Liana, a French national volunteer who has settle permanently on the island, has been the driving force behind the project but they are running behind schedule. James hoped that Elliot would be able to go to Haiti for a week after our holiday to help out.

We explain this to Ethan. “So you are going too, Sis?”

“I want to help. I am sure that Dad won’t mind if we stay on and this would really mean a lot to those kids.”

“Well, don’t worry about Ana. I will go back as planned. While I would like to help you guys out I have to get my applications sorted out for grad school and I have a couple of interviews set up already. I can make sure that Ana is okay.”

“Yeah, just don’t try any of your moves on her while I’m not there.” I narrow my eyes and glare at him. His hands shoot up in the air.

“Not me. I’ll be a good boy, scout’s honor.”

“You were never a boy scout.” I reply.

Ethan turns to Elliot, “However, if your brother has stepped out of the picture or stuffed up in any way then all bets are off man. Ana is hot and I always promised myself that I would tap that if the opportunity came my way.”

Elliot and I both frown at him, “Hey, don’t talk about my friend that way.”

“Just telling it like it is, sis. I’m off to bed. See you guys in the morning.”

oOo

You set it again, my heart’s in motion

Every word feels like a shooting star

I’m at the edge of my emotions

Watching the shadows burning in the dark

And I’m in love And I’m terrified

For the first time and the last time In my only

I only said it ’cause I mean it

I only mean ’cause it’s true

So don’t you doubt what I’ve been dreaming

‘Cause it fills me up and holds me close whenever I’m without you

-Terrified – Katharine McPhee-

---

There has been a subtle shift in Elliot’s mood since the discussion about going to Haiti with James. He seems resigned and almost sad. I put it down to being tired but as we lie in bed kissing I begin to recognize the signs that he is withdrawing again. This constant ebb and flow of emotion is becoming exhausting and I long for playful and challenging Elliot. Sexy and soulful Elliot is beautiful and tempting but he always feels like he is on the verge of saying good bye.

“Baby, tell me what’s wrong.” My hands stroke through his hair as he lets out a long sigh. I feel it as he pulls a little further away from me in his head. Right now he could go through the motions of making passionate love to me and then withhold himself for the rest of the night. Please don’t do this again.

“Sshh, I just want to touch you.” No. Not this shutting down sex again. I can’t take it. I know that he will make me soar physically and emotionally and then he will pull away like the soft death of a shooting star as it travels through the night sky. Desperately I try to think of some way to bring him back to me, some way to make him stay with me. Just so he will be totally invested in this moment and not leave me again.

“Tie me up.” His hands freeze their motion down my body, his mouth hovers inches from my breast. He looks into my eyes, seeking confirmation.

“What did you say?”

“I said, tie me up, please.” Placing my hands over my head I grab the belts that he left attached to the posts earlier this afternoon. “Please, Elliot, I want this.” He is very still except for the jump of his highly charged erection pressed into my thigh.

“Okay.” Within minutes he has me tethered by my wrists and ankles to the bed posts. His eyes have darkened and his body tremors with barely restrained lust as he sits back to survey his handy work. The sensation of his eyes on my exposed body starts a fire deep inside my stomach, my heart is pounding and I know that the musky scent that has filled the air is from the pool of moisture between my legs.

Moving to my feet he begins a lazy journey with his hands and tongue. While his skin meets mine through his calloused palms sliding down my legs from thigh to calf, his mouth nips and licks at my instep and ankles. This a slow and tortuous worship of skin and muscle as he journeys up my limbs and the ache between my legs intensifies with every touch. Just when I think he might be progressing towards the end I want he traces back over his steps, this time blowing softly in electrifying waves fo warm air over my highly sensitized skin. Occasionally he pauses to look at my face, checking my reaction and the heady mixture of love and lust almost brings me to the brink. I feel so on the edge that the slightest word from him could tip me over but he is silent, reverent in his lovemaking.

His hands slide under my backside, palming the fleshy cheeks and making me thrust my hips upwards into his face. His nose nuzzles my clit before he pulls back to look and then he places a gentle kiss on the hard nub. I nearly shoot off the bed, pulling at the restraints as I go so that they tighten almost painfully around me. His hands have moved to part my folds before his tongue licks up through the creamy wetness and I whimper softly, trying not to let go too soon.

“My beautiful, Katie. I love you like this. Where you can’t get away from me. Tell me what you want.” His voice is a husky whisper as he licks again.

“Oh, please.” Mine is a small cry of desperate need.

“Please, what baby? Tell me.”

“Elliot, I need to come. Please, I need you inside me.” My pelvis thrusts into his face desperately seeking his whispered heat.

His fingers push inside me finding that electric spot that makes me want to push down on him. He is almost still as I thrust and move on him then he follows with his tongue and it is more than I can bare. My gasping cries echo through the room as my clit begins to pulse and he holds me there, riding out my pleasure to the bitter end.

No sooner am I coming down than he is ramping me up again as he kisses and licks over my stomach, climbing slowly up towards my breasts. One hand is still working inside me while the other palms my breast, his teeth and tongue biting and flicking at my aching nipple sending more aftershocks south. My eyes cloud over as he plays my body, strumming and plucking me like one of his cherished guitars. I want desperately to break free and hold his face, gaze into his eyes but the restraints are too firm.

Soon he is hovering over me, placing gentle tender kisses on my mouth, my cheeks, my eyes, my jaw. With every kiss he murmurs, “I. Love. You. I. Love. You. Beautiful. Kate. Mine. Always. Mine. My. Love.” I taste myself on his tongue, the salty tang and muskiness spiking my pleasure.

Bracing himself on one arm, he grabs his cock and strokes the full impressive length of it before inserting himself into me. The first sharp thrust of his wide girth is almost painful, then he begins an excruciatingly slow withdrawal. All the while his eyes never leave mine as he repeats slowly, slowly building a rhythm. Our breathing is labored and harsh, our hearts hammering in our chests, our skin slick with sweat. The feeling grows again, building me up over and over until the sensation of hovering on the edge is almost painful in its intensity. He kisses and then pulls back to breath and every thrust is another groan of pleasure that I can’t possibly hold back. Every emotion is pouring into a space in the center of my body ready to explode. I can feel his body shuddering with the same need.

“Come with me, Katie.” A harsh mutter through gritted teeth and I let go, beginning a scream that he swallows with a kiss, his tongue sweeping through my mouth with every pump and pulse inside me. I am tense and quivering and crying with the pleasure and pain of it all. Before we are even close to coming down he reaches up and undoes my hands and I throw my arms around him gripping his shoulders with digging fingers. I can’t seem to pull his body close enough.

My tears flow of their own free will and I sob into his chest. “Please stay with me, please don’t leave me again.”

“Sshh, baby, I’m here, I’m here.” He holds my face and looks at me with concerned eyes. “What’s wrong? Katie, I’m here. Shh.” His thumbs swipe the tears from my cheeks as they fall.

“I…you…you were going to leave me, again. I couldn’t stand it if you left.” I cry almost incoherently murmuring my fears into his strong muscles.

“Sweetheart, what are you talking about? I am here, I will always be here.” He quickly withdraws, unties my ankles and then pulls me up onto his lap as he sits across the bed.

“No, no, you’re not. You were going to shut down on me. You were going to leave me. Like you did before. So..so distant.”

His hand strokes my hair as he tries to hush me. I hold on for dear life, not realizing how much his moods were effecting me.

“Katie, I am here.” He places his hand over my heart. “I am always here, even if we are far apart. I’m not leaving you ever.”

His body begins to rock me gently like a child, soothing me in his strong arms. I feel cherished but I feel … fragile and shaky, my body trembling against his warm skin. He kisses my hair.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that these feelings are so … big… and being with you has been like riding a roller coaster. Only sometimes you do this thing where you shut down and I feel like I am still on the ride, being flung about without you to protect and buffer me. I’ve never needed anyone so much and I love and hate that I need you. I always thought that when I found you it would be easy but it’s not and I’m…I’m scared. I don’t want to fall so much in love with you and wake up one day to find I wasn’t enough.”

“Katie, I think you have it the wrong way around. I’m the one who is terrified. Terrified that you are going to want more than me. I watch guys watching you, wanting you. And you, you just sparkle. You are interested in everything and you can talk to everyone about anything. And you’re so fucking beautiful it hurts. I just wish that I didn’t have to keep dumping all of this garbage on you. Every day it seems that there is something hovering there in my past that will drive you away. If it seems like I am withdrawing then it is because I don’t want to see your disgust. I can’t imagine how you must feel having to uncover another layer of me and my shit. I keep expecting you to …”

“What? What do you expect me to do?” He is very quiet for a moment. Then softly he whispers against my hair and it sounds as much like a request as it does a fear.

“Run.”