It’s no use
We’re gonna have a fight
You’ve thrown your words
‘Round a thousand times
Like a child who can’t empathize
You don’t speak the language
You don’t read my signs
You wanna know what I really think?
You wanna know what I really believe?
There’s a fire burning up in here
See the smoke coming out of my ears
Oh no, we both know
More trouble’s gonna find us
If we’re all alone
I wanna show you what I really mean
But you’re always
On the outside looking in
Oh won’t you come into my head?
Come inside, lie down in my head?
Oh won’t you come into my head?
I just wanna have you up in my head
Just when all looked happy and wholesome in Dynasty du Grey it seems that the cracks are starting to show. Our two favorite bachelors were out for drinks at a local haunt when a wee scuffle broke out. Seems our boys can’t hold their liquor.
And was that the youngest of the tribe, Miss M, that we saw driving around town in the sports car of her brother’s ex-business partner? Madame Esclava appears to be offering a personalized shuttle service to her salons.
Rumour has it that JK Designs has got the nod on the Grey nuptials. You heard it here first…
My heart is pounding through my chest as I suck in air, trying to keep up the pace. Enveloped in darkness there is a taste of chill in my mouth. The exhaustion is making my head ache and eyes blur but I keep sinking footprints into wet sand. As I continue, legs pumping, the ground firms, slowly morphing into a city street. Light signals morning that takes the edge off the cold but I have to keep moving or I will miss…miss…I don’t know. I don’t know why I am compelled to sprint, I only know I have to. Then I see her, dressed in white, her blond hair tossed in the gentle breeze. She lifts her hand and smiles at me but there is such sadness in her eyes, a quiet desperation. My own eyes fill with the tears I don’t shed as I keep moving toward her only she turns and disappears into a shadow and she is suddenly gone. In silence, my soundless scream calls her name but there is nothing. I reach the spot where she has been. A mass of bodies stop me from moving further but now I can just glimpse her over their burly shoulders. Reaching for her, she tries to reach back but then drops her hand and falls to the ground. “KATE!”
I wake up screaming her name, my body bathed in sweat, heart racing. The unmistakable sound of running feet outside the bedroom bring me back to the present. It was a dream, just a dream. The same dream I have been having for the past two weeks. Still, I am confused, wondering who will come through the door. The relief that floods my system has me shaking as Kate rushes into my arms.
“Babe.” Sitting on the bed she wraps her arms protectively around me and I cling to her unable to stop the sobbing. “Baby, it’s okay. I’m here. I’m here.” I sense Ethan standing at the door staring at us and I am embarrassed that I am here blubbering like an idiot.
“Kate, is he okay?” The concern in his voice is real. Why wouldn’t I be okay? It was just a dream.
Kate sits back and starts to check me. She feels my forehead and then grabs a towel from the bedside table and begins to sponge the sweat from my body. I want to swat her hand away only the cool wet towel feels so good on my skin. I feel achy and breathless still. And confused as all hell. Kate picks up a thermometer from the side table.
“Open.” I do so without thinking allowing her to stick it under my tongue. What the hell is going on? “Ethan get Grace. Tell her is awake this time.” Awake. This time? How long was I asleep? Kate is taking my pulse which I can already tell her is too fast but I just had a nightmare. I wouldn’t expect it to be regular. I want to ask questions but I am so god damn tired that it is all I can do to let my body sink back into the bed. The bed? I am at the apartment. The last thing I remember I threw Ethan the keys. We were going back to the treehouse. What the fuck?
My mother comes into the room with her medical bag. Dad hot on her heels. Jesus, what the hell happened? The blood pressure cuff goes around my arm and she is listening closely.
“A little elevated but closer to normal than this morning. That’s good.” She reaches out and takes the thermometer from my mouth. “Good, at least that is back down. How are you feeling, darling?”
“Like a truck hit me. What the hell happened?” It is only now that I feel the raw, soreness of my throat. Kate comes out of the bathroom where she has rinsed the towel off and she hands me a glass of water with a straw. Without waiting for an answer from anyone I swallow the water greedily, only now aware of the burning thirst. When I finally hand the glass back to her and settle back against the pillows with the moist towel draped over my forehead I feel the strength of the sunlight filtering into the room. “What time is it?”
“It’s 2 in the afternoon.” Kate looks at her watch and then adjusts the towel, her face a study in concern.
“Shit, what about work?” Her hand and Mom’s both reach out and push me back down. For a moment I am struck at how synchronized their movements are.
“All taken care of. I let James know that you wouldn’t be in. He was fine with that.”
“I didn’t mean me, I meant you. Kate you can’t afford to blow off work like this. What are you doing here?” She smiles touching my chest gently as if she is reassuring herself.
“Do you really think that work is ever going to be more important than you?” Well, duh, yeah. It certainly has been over the last couple of weeks. “Baby, when you stumbled out to the living room last night and fell unconscious on the floor I almost had a heart attack. Even though Christian had already warned us by that stage.” Jesus, Christian warned them about what?
“We couldn’t wake you and then you started to shake, like you were having a seizure. Your Mom was on a late shift last night and she came as soon as we called her.” I look to Mom, desperate for answers.
“Mom? What’s wrong with me?” She takes my hand about to put on the bedside manner I know and love.
“Sweetie, we don’t really know. I have taken some blood and the toxicology should be back early next week. I think someone slipped you a roofie.” Jesus. Didn’t that only happen to girls? “You don’t have much memory of last night do you?”
No, beyond spilling the drinks at the bar and the stumble home there really isn’t much there.
“Honey, Christian came in not long after I put you bed. He had one of the shot glasses with him. Jason recognized what it was and they came to find you as quickly as they could.”
Oh Jesus. “And the shaking?” My mom shakes her head.
“I am pretty sure that is just your body’s reaction to that amount of drugs and alcohol. The good news is that even though you might feel tired today, you will recover just fine.” She looks at Kate and nods. “We are going to leave you to sleep for a while now. Kate can call me if there are any problems and I will meet you at the hospital. I am fairly confident the worst is over. You will have a headache so take these painkillers for the first 24 hours and then switch to Nyquil. Get lots of water and plenty of rest. No alcohol with those.”
Kate is gripping my hand and Ethan takes it upon himself to see my parents out of the house. Once they are gone she curls up on the bed beside me facing away so that I can spoon her. She pulls my arms around her like a security blanket and I can tell that she is quietly crying.
“Baby, ssshhh. Don’t cry. Its going to be fine.” My need to comfort her takes over my need to submit to the headache and tiredness. Her hand wipes her face and she pulls herself together.
“I was so worried. When I couldn’t wake you, I thought…” More tears slip silently down her cheeks and this time I reach over and remove them with my thumb. Her skin is so soft that I linger there a moment.
“You heard my mom. I am going to be okay. It was just some sick joke.” And I wonder why anyone would want to do this. Was it even meant for me or was it supposed to be for Christian?
“Elliot, I don’t think this was a joke.” She rolls on to her back. When I look into her eyes I see the fear. She is so fucking scared. It’s like the dream. My eyes travel over her face and come to rest on her neck. Holy shit, what the hell is that?
“Kate, shit, did I do that?” I sit up suddenly mortified that I could have hurt her while I was out of it. Oh God, no. Please no. The sudden change in altitude has my head spinning and I slump back as the pounding sets in. With quick movements she hands me painkillers and water and I swallow them down. I feel sick with the thought that I could possibly have hurt her.
“Elliot, I need you to be calm. Look at the marks closely.” Her eyes focus on mine as she lifts her chin and show me. The marks are yellowing and fading. Whatever has happened it didn’t occur last night. What the fuck is going on? My fingers trace the bruises on her olive skin, not quite believing what I am seeing. “Baby, you can see, can’t you? They are too old for you to have done them last night. This happened on Saturday night.”
I pull my hand away. “I did that to you in the taxi?” She shakes her head.
“No, babe. Someone approached me at the club. I will tell you everything but I need you to sleep. Just a couple more hours and then I will tell you everything. I promise.” My head is spinning too much to argue with her but she sees my fear. “I promise you, this was not you.” I have never regretted drinking more than I do right now. Why can’t I remember anything? That is the last thought I have before I wake up some time later.
The light has changed in the room casting shadows across the bed. As I come out of my dream this time I am more calm but it is just the same. She is there and I can almost reach her then she is gone with a wall of faceless bodies stopping me from getting to her. I recall our conversation before I fell asleep and I am terrified at what I might learn. Her voice filters through from the other room and I feel calm. She is here, she is safe.
Feeling much better I rise from the bed, throw a t-shirt on and head down the hallway to the kitchen. Standing with her back to the hall she doesn’t see me and I pause. Her phone is against her ear.
“Thanks James. I really appreciate it….No, he has been asleep for three hours now so I will wake him up for dinner and then we’ll see you out there around 9…. Yeah, Ethan has taken Zeus out there already so I think I can manage. I don’t think we will have any more episodes….Thanks but he really needs to be at the treehouse. I would rather that we meet out there…. Yeah, I love you guys too. See you soon and James…be careful.” Fuck, what the hell is going on?
In my distracted state I knock the hall table and a book crashes to the floor. She turns around as I reach down to get it. At first there is a moment of fear and then she smiles, rushing over to help me.
“Hey, what are you doing out of bed?” She wrestles the book out of my hands and places it back on the table, then takes my hand and pulls me into the kitchen. I feel lost. I have no idea what is going on and I seem to have lost the last twenty hours of my life. “Cup of tea?”
“Ah, yeah, that sounds great. Let me.” I move to get the kettle but I still feel pretty weak and she gets there before me.
“Uh, uh, uh…You get to do nothing for a while yet buster. I am going to take care of you.” I hate this. I don’t do helpless. “No, don’t you pout at me. That will just end up in one place.” She gives a sexy grin and licks her lip so I push my bottom lip out and pout even more. Her laughter fills the space between us as she steps into my body and places her hands on my arms. Looking up at me she leans in a sniffs.
“Mmm…someone needs to take care of business. How about you go and take a shower while I whip up some dinner and that tea?” I return to pouting. “No. That can wait until later. For what I have in mind, I am going to blow your head off and I would rather that you were more comfortable just in case your body can’t handle it just yet.”
This brings a grin. Whatever is going on, she is still mine. I can deal with it in good time but she is right. Right now I need a shower and a shave. Twenty minutes later I am out of the shower and there is a steak and salad dinner on the table. No wine or beer, just iced tea.
“Smells delicious baby. Did you cook this?” Kate is not known for her skills in the kitchen but we have been practicing steaks. She steps back from the table and takes off the sexy little apron she is wearing. Her jeans hug her legs and her blouse is so shear I can see right through to the white bra underneath. Beautiful and sexy, that’s my woman.
“Yep, didn’t even burn myself, this time,” she states with pride. Yes, the last couple of forays into the kitchen have resulted in minor injuries but at least she is always willing to learn. The smile is in her eyes and I wonder how long it has been since I really saw it there. Probably the last time we cooked together. She is happiest when we are just having fun but with starting her new job, the endless nights out at functions, the wedding plans, the bombshells that my family drop daily, the continuous threat from Linc and Hyde and the endless commuting back and forth between the city and the treehouse – we really haven’t had much fun in our relationship.
I walk behind her and wrap my arms around her waist leaning in to kiss her ear. “Thank you baby. Thank you for taking such good care of me. I don’t deserve you.” Her arms hug over mine for a moment and then we break apart to sit down and eat. I am starving and dinner is gone in record time. It was just what I needed and we have hardly spoken by the time I set down my knife and fork.
“Now, before you get to comfortable we are going to pack up here and go out to the treehouse.” She is up moving the plates into the kitchen and putting them in the dishwasher. Somehow, overnight, someone has taken my Kate and left me with this domestic goddess. Not that I mind but it amuses me. “What are you grinning at?”
“You. All you need is to be barefoot and preg-” Instantly, I realize my mistake and the shutters come down. “Oh, fuck, Kate. I’m sorry. It’s just a dumb fucking saying. You know…” Her hand comes up to my mouth to silence me. We look at each other and what I see in her eyes startles me. It is a raw look, full of pain, remorse, unhappiness but it is the most real I have seen her in weeks. She is so startlingly beautiful that the breath leaves my body. Then she leans in and kisses me. Tenderly.
“Sweetheart. It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it. You would never intentionally hurt me that way.” The tears are welling in my eyes and this time it is her reaching up and wiping them. “Baby, its okay. Really.”
I nod but I feel stupid. “Do you ever think we will be okay Kate? Really?” I have been strong and stoic for so long now that I don’t know where all of this uncertainty has come from. Probably because someone managed to slip a date rape drug into my drink. That seems to be enough to emasculate me.
“Yeah.” Her voice is quiet but firm. “I really believe that we will. But we need help. Ethan has suggested that we talk to John Flynn. He has a lot of respect for him. So I have made an appointment for tonight before we go to the treehouse. Of course, if you aren’t happy with Dr Flynn then we can find someone else.”
It feels weird. I am the good time guy. The one who always has it together and gives everyone else hell. The one who knows what he wants and goes out and gets it. Now I am going to ask some head doctor to fix me? I look at her and she is biting her lip, a hopeful look in her eye. If she wants this, if she thinks we need it, then I’m in.
“Yes. Let’s do it.” She let’s out the breath she has been holding and returns to cleaning the kitchen after giving me a quick peck on the cheek.
“Go and pack your stuff.”
John Flynn’s offices are not far from Escala and my fear is that we will run into Christian or Ana. We make a furtive approach that causes Dr Flynn’s receptionist to raise an eyebrow as we both peer around the waiting room before we finally enter.
“Dr Flynn, your 6.30 appointment is here.” She smiles as we take a seat but it is unnecessary as John Flynn emerges from his consulting room before our butts even hit the leather.
“Kate, Elliot, good to see you. Walk this way.” John always reminds of a young John Cleese and I snigger imagining myself following him into the room mimicking one of his patented silly walks. It must be the painkillers Mom has given me.
“Thank you for seeing us at such short notice, Dr Flynn.” Kate has her arm wrapped around mine in a vice-like grip and I can see from her tense smile that she is not impressed with my sudden lack of control.
“Please, call me John.” He signals to a leather lounge suite which surprises me. I really wanted to lie on a couch like the movies. “Take a seat. Now, what can I do for you.”
I am still gawking around the room, looking for the chaise lounge so Kate grabs my wrist and yanks me down. My bum hits the seat with a thud and I snigger again. Oh crap, this is not good. John smirks.
“I’m sorry, it must be the drugs. You see Elliot had his drink spiked last night. Perhaps we should have waited a day or two before coming to see you.” Poor Kate. She sounds sad and disappointed.
“No, it will be fine Kate. Is that why you came to see me? Because of Elliot’s drink?”
“No, not exactly. I am not sure where to begin.” She takes a deep breath. “Elliot and I have recently been through a personal tragedy and we aren’t…coping very well.”
“I see. Do you want to tell me about the tragedy?” John has an Ipad on his lap taking notes. He peers over his glasses at Kate and then at me. All thoughts of giggling again disappear when I see the pain on Kate’s face.
“You see, Elliot and I, we were…” She chokes back a tear.
“We were pregnant. Or Kate was pregnant but it was my baby.” Oh God, hold it together Grey. Just try to make sense. We can worry about sincerity another day. “But we lost the baby a few weeks ago.”
“I see. Would you like to tell me your feelings about getting pregnant Kate?”
I grip her hand trying to offer support. The tears come as they always do and my heart aches. When will this end? Suddenly I am sober again.
“I was surprised, it’s not like we planned it. But once we got over the initial shock, we were both really looking forward to it.” There is a trace of a smile there and I can’t help reaching out to touch her cheek. She leans into my hand for a moment, wrapping her hand around mine and then we both drop our hands.
“Elliot? How did you feel?”
“To tell you the truth, doc, I was angry at first. Not because of the baby but because I thought Kate was going to keep it from me. Once we sorted that out and got on the same page, I…”And then I can’t keep up the fake bravado any more. The tears come and I drop my head in my hands. Kate wraps her arm around me and holds me while my body heaves with heavy sobs.
After a while John hands a box of tissues to us and then begins to speak. “It seems to me that although this is an incredibly traumatic event for you both, you are supporting each other well. Have you talked to each other about the miscarriage?”
Kate speaks. “It was difficult at first. It coincided with some other major events in our lives including me starting a new job. I felt overwhelmed with my sorrow and I cut Elliot off for a while. I didn’t have the ability to deal with his pain as well as my own.”
“Did you feel guilt?” She looks off into the distance for a moment.
“Yes, I felt that it was my fault. I felt that I had let Elliot down. When we went to the ob-gyn afterwards I was adamant that I didn’t ever want to try again and that made me feel guilty. Then I got so busy with the new job and helping my friend with her wedding that I felt even more guilty. Guilt seems to be all I do right now.”
“Do you still feel like that about not trying again.” I don’t think I can stand to fucking here this.
“I don’t know. That initial pain was just so intense that I didn’t think I would ever want to feel like that ever again. I don’t know if I could take it. But then Elliot helped me, helped both of us to get a little closure.”
“How did he do that Kate?”
“Perseverance, patience, kindness, thoughtfulness. He got his friends to help us have a memorial ceremony. We said goodbye.”
“Sounds like he has been a rock for you.” Her head is down and the tears keep slipping.
“Yes, and I needed it. But I didn’t see that he was drowning too. I was so caught up in my own feelings and I forgot to look out for him. Now…”
John cuts her off. “Elliot, what do you need to say?”
My mouth opens and closes. What do I need to say? “I was sad about the baby, devastated but when Kate started to slip away too I became…desperate…I needed her and she was so unhappy. Perhaps I have been pushing too hard to get us back to how it used to be. I don’t know. I just know I can’t lose her.
“What did you think when she said she didn’t want to try again?”
“Hurt, angry. I wanted that to be a decision we made to be together but we were barely speaking to each other.”
“Are you speaking now?” I look at her feeling disloyal. Are we speaking now? “It comes and goes.” Her body tenses beside me.
“That is my fault. I thought I knew how to deal with sadness. Turns out I had no idea what it was.” Her voices is barely a whisper but she never fails to touch my heart. Once more I grab her and pull her in to my body. The lilac scent of her hair bringing me a sense of calm.
“It seems to me that you are doing well under difficult circumstances. Are you feeling supported by your families?”
We both look at each other and then at John before Kate pulls away from me to speak. “Mine, yes. Elliot made sure that my family knew and they have been supportive. We haven’t told Elliot’s.” Something like regret sweeps across her face.
“Is there a reason why they don’t know Elliot?” John looks at me with an expression that reveals as much as it hides.
“I…I didn’t want to take any of the focus off Christian and Ana right now.” My eyes hold his and he gets my meaning. Kate reaches for my hand. “But even though my family doesn’t know, I have good friends who have supported us through this.”
“But it’s not the same…” I think about his words for a moment.
“No, it’s not.” Kate kisses my hand, mouthing ‘sorry’.
“Our time is almost up. I think you have made great progress on your own but as is often the case with grief, there are waves of progression. You might feel that everything is under control and then something small can become a major set back.” Isn’t that the understatement of the year? “I would like to help you through this in a professional capacity. Elliot, are you going to be alright with this? If not, I can recommend a colleague who does excellent work.”
“No, I’m fine. I mean there is client confidentiality right? After all, Christian has more at stake than I have.” John’s eyes go wide and I could kick myself for this slip. Not that he will have any idea what I know but I can see it has him thinking.
Within an hour we are back at the treehouse where Jen and Karen are playing host to James and Ethan. As I walk in the door I become aware that they are all studying the newspaper. As I look over at the byline I recognize the caricature. Looks like that bitch Ferret has been at it again.
A/N: Thank you for your support. Please tell me what you think. Your reviews make a difference to the direction this story takes and I appreciate your input into the process.