SONG INSPIRATION: That’s Life, Frank Sinatra
That’s what all the people say
You’re riding high in April, shot down in May
But I know I’m gonna change that tune
When I’m back on top, back on top in June
I said that’s life
And as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks stomping on a dream
But I don’t let it, let it get me down
‘Cause this fine old world, it keeps spinnin’ around
I’ve been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king
I’ve been up and down and over and out and I know one thing
Each time I find myself flat on my face
I pick myself up and get back in the race
I tell you, I can’t deny it
I thought of quitting, baby but my heart just ain’t gonna buy it
And if I didn’t think it was worth one single try
I’d jump right on a big bird and then I’d fly
I’ve been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king
I’ve been up and down and over and out and I know one thing
Each time I find myself layin’ flat on my face
I just pick myself up and get back in the race
That’s life and I can’t deny it
Many times I thought of cutting out but my heart won’t buy it
But if there’s nothing shaking come this here July
I’m gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die, my, my
Songwriter(s): Dean Kay, Kelly L. Gordon
Copyright: Bibo Music Publishing Inc.
Lyrics from <a href=”http://www.elyrics.net”>eLyrics.net</a>
Fifty Shades of Fucked Up
Fuck, why does my life always have to be a shit storm! I am always frustrated and recently the fights aren’t doing the trick, punching the shit out of Jasper the school bully didn’t even do it. Why can’t there be more assholes for me to beat up?
What the hell is wrong with me, I never talk to my self…does it make me more insane if the conversation is entirely inside my head?
Goal one this afternoon get home and to my room without mum noticing the bruises and blood. I walk up the path of the well I suppose you could say it is a beautiful estate, I hear a car behind me and start running up the path, just as I grasp the door handle, I hear him…shit!
“Hey lil’ bro!” I turn to see Elliot and mum walking towards me I almost got in unseen stupid Lelliot and his big bloody mouth.
Rubbing my neck and looking sideways to avoid my mother’s worried gaze, I can sense it before I look.
“Hey Mum, Elliot where are Dad and Mia?” That is not going to work; lately I can see the worry that is ageing my mother’s face. I think the worst thing is I know that most of it is my doing. My mother will always be a beautiful angel with the elegance and majesty of a queen.
“Christian what on Earth happened to you? Quick Elliot please get my bag! Christian go and sit on the lounge please.” Great just great she is in doctor mode I open the door and head towards the stairs. I love her but sometimes she worries too much I deserve worse than this but when I can only fight school kids I’m not going to get hurt that much. I might sneak out later and find some of those college drop kicks to start something with…
“Christian Trevelyan Grey did I say you could waltz up those stairs. No I did not now come here and let me clean up those things on your face at least.”
“Uh…okay mum but I am fine” Mum scares me sometimes her voice somehow sterner than dad’s I know its the tough love side, no matter how angry she gets she always shows me I am “loved”. Why do people rave over this “love” crap personally I find it suffocating.
“Christian, darling you really need to stay out of trouble this trauma isn’t doing your body any good. I won’t touch you but are there other cuts, bruises or sores?” God I hate this every dam time she does this the water works start and I get it, I am her fucked up project she just cannot seem to fix but honestly, she does not need to add to my guilt.
“Mum I am fine ok, please look don’t worry about me” Even as I say the words I don’t even believe them. I know I am fucked up she should just focus on Elliot and Mia and let me live my “oh so fucked up” existence. Mum stands up and walks towards the phone, I look at Elliot and he knows what I am thinking, I need his support.
“Christian, I would always and do always stand up for you. You know that but honestly bro cut the shit, you have no idea how much you are really starting to stress mum out…” Ahh another one of Elliot’s pep talks oh yes thrilling, thrilling oh he’s finished good.
“May I be excused?” I stand on my feet and they wobble beneath me slightly.
“Yes go and lay down, but we are not done talking about this Christian this is getting ridiculous. I will discuss this with your father before you can have any sort of say in punishment, sometimes Christian I really wish you would act like the intelligent boy you are instead of fighting and causing yourself harm…” Mum sighs and I know I have let her down but I wish she could see this is helping me.
Feeling like the massive piece of shit, trouble and waste of time I am, I walk into my room and plonk down on my bed. It’s here where my thoughts have free rain over my body. If I sleep I wake in a lather of sweat with nightmares, If I don’t sleep I crave the fights and the liquor ahh fuck this is frustrating, Fuck my life!
Looking at the only picture I have of my mother which is pinned to my cork board, I think about what happened to me, the memories from my past that somehow seem to be colliding and suffocating my present and even my future. I try to be a good son to Grace and Carrick they have always been good to me, it’s just hard when I am a fucked up piece of shit living in the perfect life, surrounded by the perfect family.
After some time laying there pondering my existence I feel the urge to fight to survive. It’s 9:30pm curfew is 10:30 I should be able to get out fight and get back to bed before curfew is upon me. Mum and Dad do not understand in a fight I have control, they enrage me and I can release my frustrations on someone else.
“Mum, I’m just heading out for a walk I’ll be back before curfew.”
“Ok then but Christian be back by curfew, be careful and please don’t get into any fights” the look on her face, she knows what I am up to…how in the hell does she know?
I nod turn and walk as fast as I can without looking hurried, I run towards the gates and out I go. Now the college is roughly about 4 miles away, I’ll save the money I have for a taxi home so I don’t break curfew. Being Friday all those college jocks would have had plenty of time to be pretty drunk, they’ll want to fight me…this is going to be great.
I walk up to the College frat house’s which one to pick…that one I think as I see lights flashing and music pumping through bad quality speakers. Walking up the stairs I see people scattered everywhere girls grinding against guys legs touching their chests, my breath hitches I will have to be mindful of what is happening around me.
“Oi you!” A frat guy yells and turning around bingo I have my target.
“Who, me?” Bloody buzz cut boof head looks at me and says nothing, what a fool honestly and sometimes they think this is the future backbone and workforce of the country.
“Yes you, this is a party for college students you little jerk. Now you can leave or I will make you leave.” He stands so close his is almost nose to nose with me honestly does he think he intimidates me.
“I’d like to see you try, buzz cut!” I eye him up well down rather he is shorter than me. Soon enough it registers what I said the alcohol must be making this guy slow. Shoving me against a wall I lose control as he touches me, he aims a fist right for my face, I dodge it and his fist goes into the wall behind me. I take my fist, smash one straight into his face, and he falls backwards. Yes, this is what I wanted come on I need this! come on!
“Oi Taylor, who is this little shit” Oh that name, the crack whore’s pimp used to call me that.
“Some senior high school punk” replies Buzz cut rubbing his face.
“Right outside you little shit now, I won’t have a fight ruining this house”
Who the fuck does this guy think he is he’d want to shut up and not cost me a fight or I’ll start one with him.
I head towards the door, turn to watch as Taylor rubs his face time to get the mouse out of the cage. “Is that all you can take buzz cut?” Walking from the house and sure enough three steps down the path buzz cut, comes flying out guns blazing.
“Who did you call buzz cut, mop head?” Wow an un-witty remark from a college jock.
“Well I was talking about you but boof head may suit better are we going to finish what we started or are you even more of a pussy than I thought?” I don’t even see the first punch it knocks me down, god it feels good yes!
Holding myself up on my hands I kick my legs and knock his taking him down. Springing back up on my feet I wait for buzz cut to recover.
I throw a punch and manage to score another blow to the head, mum isn’t going to be happy about this. Our fight continues for what seems likes hours although must only be mere minutes.
“Kid you fight well, but you need to watch your stance sometimes I could have knocked you over and started pummelling into you.” Buzz cut wipes his lip. “Kid, do you go looking for fights?”
“What’s it to you?” I pull my shirt down and notice grass stains and various blood marks.
“Don’t matter, hey you are that Grey kid aren’t you?”
“Goodbye buzz cut and thanks for a decent fight.” Shaking his hand we part ways and buzz cut heads back into the house.
Having been in this situation many a times before I head to the liquor store and find “Alfred” He was a homeless man in bad clothes until I started paying him to buy me alcohol. Needless to say, I have kept him well clothed for a while now and successfully got him into the refuge around the corner.
“Hey Alfred can you get me the usual please?” Handing over a wad of money he nods and goes to buy the liquor.
“Here you go CG I wish you’d get off this stuff kid, you are a good kid you need to find balance in your life” Alfred pockets the cash as I start to walk away.
Walking the streets is not a common thing for me but I can handle it. I drown my sorrows in the bottle of rum and know that in doing so I am letting down mum. Dad and I don’t really get along that well we clash on way to many things. I have heard mum tell dad “Carrick you and Christian are more than pea’s in a pod you are the twin pea’s in one end of the pod”.
“SHIT! Curfew!” Oh god its 11pm I am going to be strung, mum will be worried sick and I don’t have my keys. I run as fast as I can towards home cursing both myself, and my habits to which I am addicted. I know a short cut through the alley instead of the main street. I know it’s a troubled area but at least I will get home faster. Halfway down the alley way I feel a *Whack* and my face hits the ground. I look up to see eight guys cracking their knuckles and clenching their fists. The biggest guy walks forward, drags me up and king hits me in my dazed state I fall to the ground as I feel them lay into me.
I wake disorientated and slowly remember where I am. I make my way home slowly, battered and bruised. Reaching the gate I feel the need to collapse it has been a long day. I fall on the pebbles a few times, as my legs decide to give way from underneath me. I reach the step and with no keys. I knock a few times lightly trying not to wake anyone. I lay on the step cold and worn out, I feel mum’s presence before I see her or hear her.
“Christian, oh my god no, no, no… CARRICK!” I hear mum screaming for dad and darkness consumes me.
I wake hot and sweaty it appears not even in my drunken state can I escape these nightmares. I look down and see mum sitting next to me, no doubt to make sure I am ok.
“Christian how are you feeling darling?” Mum’s voice is angelic and I suddenly feel guilty for constantly letting her down.
“I am ok mum it looks worse than it is. I…”
“Thank god you are ok. Christian Trevelyan Grey, do you have any idea how worried I have been? This HAS to stop! It is 5am and I have not slept, as I should be able to because I have been stressing out about you. Every minute I spent thinking…Where is Christian? Is he Alive? Is he dead? Has someone hurt him? Contrary to your belief Christian Grey you are my son and I love you. Do you know how much it wounds me to know you lie and sneak out to get into fights? Starting tomorrow, you will go to Mrs Lincoln’s house and work over there to relieve your stress and tensions. They are remodelling and can you be the extra help, you will not be being paid either Christian think of it as community service. Do I make myself clear?”
*Gulp* Nodding profusely and wondering how she can be so firm but caring at the same time. “Yes mum I understand.”
“Christian are you even sorry for what you have done?” She looks so confused but I can’t explain to her she wouldn’t understand and then she would worry more.
I sit silently and watch her intently to gauge her reaction. “I am sorry for worrying you and breaking curfew.”
Her caring tear filled eyes close and she breathes heavily, her heart obviously aching and tearing. Sadness claims her face as she wipes the stray tears away.
“Get some sleep Christian, it will help you feel better, I have told Elena to give you easy chores for the first few days due to the bruising that will come out. We can talk about this later Christian, but I will warn you your father is ropable”. With that, she leaves my room.
I sleep for hours until I wake around 2pm to a knock on my door. Go away I think to myself.
“Christian, darling? Grace asked that I pick you up to do some chores at my house. I was told it was not optional.”
“Mrs Lincoln?! Uh I will be out in a moment.” Crap thank goodness she knows limits of privacy.
“Of course darling I will wait downstairs” I hear the clicking of her heels as she walks down the stairs. I quickly get ready and walk down the stairs.
“Ok then if you are ready let’s get going lots to do at my house, we are renovating you know”. We walk towards the beautiful Red, Alfa Romeo Spider and get in. I do not mind them, as cars they’re quite well designed but the Audi’s have always been my favourite.
“Christian I am going to get you to do small tasks for a few days while the builders prepare things is that ok?” Why does it sound like she is purring?
“Yes Mrs Lincoln, mum told me last night, well early hours of this morning really. What will I be doing today?”
“Today I will get you to rake the leaves of the oak trees, messy things they are and possibly shift some timber. Would that be ok?”
“Yes Mrs Lincoln”.
We drive in silence for a few minutes and we arrive at their house, it too is a beautiful piece of architectural design. Much like home the great walls around the place at to its allure.
“Christian you know my husband Linc? Darling, Christian will be doing some of the small tasks for us for a few days as punishment off Grace and Carrick”.
“Yes I do, hello Mr Lincoln” I put my hand forward as a gesture of manners, which he takes and nods sternly.
“I am needed back inside Elena, can you issue Christian some chores and make sure he has sustenance while he is at it.” Elena nods and Linc walks away.
“Come Christian would you like anything to eat before we start? I haven’t had lunch yet?” Mrs Lincoln has always had this sickly sweet persona.
“Yes please Mrs Lincoln that would be good thank you.” I smile nervously as she eyes me up.
After Mrs Lincoln’s housekeeper makes Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches for me I skull my glass of water ready to get into work. “Mrs Lincoln I am ready to start working now.”
“Of course Christian the leaves over in the corner need to be raked into a pile and bagged. Then the timber needs to be shifted over there. But just focus on the leaves today there will be more timber tomorrow.” As she speaks to me I look at her she is quite attractive for an older lady. Blonde hair, fair skin, that tacky red lipstick turns me off though…and those nails are just awful.
The afternoon passes by quickly and as the dusk encloses I manage to bag the rest of the leaves. Hopefully Mrs Lincoln won’t mind taking me home, I don’t think mum is going to be happy if I am walking home in the dark again.
I walk back inside in search of Mrs Lincoln. I find her sitting on the lounge reading a magazine. “Excuse me Mrs Lincoln, I am finished the leaves they are all bagged up. Would it be ok if I head home I wanted to get home before dark.”
“Oh of course darling, come I will drop you off. I wanted to put in a good word for you with Grace.” I smile and watch as she grabs her keys and heads towards the door. I follow like somewhat of a lost pup.
We silently get into the spider and start to leave the estate. “Christian I just thought I would take this chance to say thank you for your hard work this afternoon you have been a great help. Would it be ok if I picked you up the same time tomorrow?”
“It’s ok Mrs Lincoln thank you for giving me easy chores. The same time tomorrow is fine by me thank you.”
We pull into Bellevue and Mrs Lincoln stops the car and steps out pointing her toes as she does so.
“Thank you for the ride Mrs Lincoln I appreciate it.” I open the door for her as we step inside out of the cool summer breeze.
“Christian your home darling, thank you for driving him home Elena. I think it will be some time before Christian is allowed to walk off again.” My mother and Mrs Lincoln hug and Mrs Lincoln fake kisses my mother’s cheek.
“Mum can I go and wash up for dinner?”
“Of course darling, I would like to chat to Elena anyway. Oh, and be prepared after dinner your father and I would like to have a talk with you in his study.”
“Of course mum” I nod and walk up the stairs eager to get clean I stink and I am actually quite sore from the beating I copped.
The water cascades my body and steam fills the room. I love showers I can relax knowing I am alone and allow the water to envelop me. It is just so comforting and warm. Once I get out, I pull on underwear, track pants and throw on a t-shirt before I descend the stairs in a reasonably good mood considering, I will be scolded later by both Mum and Dad.
“Oh good Gretchen you may serve dinner up Christian is here” My father sits at the head of the table with my mother in between us.
Gretchen serves a roast lamb dinner, with all the usual vegetables and a gravy boat before leaving with a smile on her face that quite frankly gives me the heeby jeeby’s.
After dinner my father stands and thanks Gretchen before motioning to me to follow him, I do as he silently requests and once inside the study I close the door quietly.
“Christian sit down son.” Woah dad is quite calm…this is weird.
“I was furious with you after the stunt you pulled last night. I found out you are not only going looking for fights, but also drinking and walking the streets. Correct me if I am wrong…”
I shake my head and he continues…
“Now as I was saying, this even for you is a new level of delinquency. Christian do you not care for your mother and I? Do you not think about how we will feel if something was to happen to you? What if you hadn’t made it home last night? I know your mother would have been a wreck and somehow I would have to try and keep it together and find you…”
“I’m sorry it wasn’t my intention to be gone so long. Yes I went walking and drinking but when I realised it was after curfew I was on my way and I was assaulted. I didn’t wake for a few hours they knocked me out so hard and when I did, I came straight home I didn’t know how late it truly was.”
“I know Christian but this self destructive behaviour has to stop can’t you see how much anxiety you are causing? If you cannot stop it by yourself, you will be enrolled in a top military boarding school and will be kept there for the majority of your school year. Do I make myself clear?”
Before I answer I stand and make my way to the door, opening it I see mum’s face, I turn and speak. “Yes dad, I will try I am sorry for being such a disappointment.”
I walk through the doorway and make my way up the stairs to my room where I fall asleep quickly.
I wake to a light knocking on my door. Then the handle turns, its mum. “Good morning darling how do you feel? I thought I would come and see if you are hungry it is about 11am you have slept on and off all night I could hear you so I let you be this morning so you might catch some more sleep.”
“Good thank you mum. Aren’t you working today?” It’s Monday after all.
“No Christian I will be here for the next week the hospital can do without me for a while. Plus I was hoping it can give us time to spend together.” She smiles hopeful and for that, I feel guilty but I cannot tell her anything she does not need that as well.
“Yes mum of course” I smile back at her, I care for her so much. Sometimes I do not know why they put up with me.
The few hours I spent with mum passed quickly and before I knew it I was climbing back into the spider on my way to Mrs Lincoln’s. The mountain of timber didn’t seem to be getting any smaller, the builders where definitely doing their job. I glanced towards the house and Mr Lincoln was leaving obviously heading away for business. I return to my work and just as I finish I feel eyes watching me. I turn and see Mrs Lincoln.
“There, all done. Mrs Lincoln would it be ok if I go home early today?” She is watching my mouth as I talk that is strange people usually keep eye contact.
Without a word she grasps my face in her hands and kisses me…what the hell.
Just as I am about to speak, her palm collides with my cheek, followed quickly by another kiss.
Before I can speak, she walks back to the house without a word as I rub my cheek and wonder what just happened?
Story published with permission of the author. FSOG characters remain the property of EL James. Lyrics remain the property of the composer/lyricist/record company. No copyright infringement intended.