Why Can’t I Have A Real Life Christian Grey?

2013-02-23 11.45.33Do you ever go through your WordPress stats page and look at the search terms that people put in to find you?  Of course you do.  I do. This question came up recently as a search term for my blog and it got me thinking about the longing that might be behind the question.

On the same day – as fate often allows – a good facebook/fanfic friend posted this link.


My personal favorite:

8. Have a normal face
Staring at his lover in chapter 20, Christian Grey’s “eyes blaze with anger, need and pure unadulterated lust”.

Stand in front of a mirror. Have a go at that combination. Now, never make that face again. You look constipated.

After I had fallen about laughing at all the truisms that Victoria Coren brings up I wondered about the women out there who are looking for a real life Mr Grey and all the men who are now getting mixed messages about what is appropriate behavior when encountering the Grey-sessed.

Later that same day someone posted this story on facebook.

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend.

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn’t keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find
a guy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dick.

The message board ran hot for a while with shared sentiments.  This type of moral tale needs to come with a warning – there are a lot of photoshopped dicks out there!!

I was lucky to find my life partner in my 20s.  I feel for others who found, then lost; or are still looking.  I have a couple of friends who even in their forties are serial monogamists, still looking for Mr Right and settling for Mr Right Now.  A lot of discussion surrounded the training of a young man to meet a woman’s needs. My response was to post this sage advice.  Helen Humes recorded this originally in 1927 and it still stands up.

I found it reassuring to read The College Crush.  Jen explains that the obsession with CG is ok, even understandable.  Fictional heroes are good for the soul but in the search for our own real life partner, we need to have a firm grip on reality.

1. Knight in Shining Armor

Described as a man who gallantly comes to the aid of a woman in a time of need. Sure, there are guys out there that will drop everything to change your flat tire or kill the spider taunting you on the wall, but really it’s old misogynist ideal that has become romanticized. We are more than capable to grab that shoe, kill the spider, then freak out about how gross that was without a man being present.

2. You complete me.

I know I cried when a teary eyed Jerry Maguire entered into a room full of angry women ranting about how the men in their lives ruined them and declared to his wife that “she completes him”.  But you don’t want to aspire to complete someone, you want to aspire to be the person that best complements them. If there are holes in people’s lives they need to fill those on their own, not with you.

 3. Love at first sight.

Infatuation, lust, wonder, awe, and curiosity – all things that can happen at first sight- love not so much. Love is too profound and truly beautiful to happen so immediately.

 4. Can’t imagine my life without you.

When a relationship comes to an end it always seems this way. It must be the end of the world because how could you possibly go on breathing without this person, but then one day it just happens you wake up and the relationship is no longer the crux of your being, but a memory fond, or not, that is now in the past.

Once you leave college and are out in the “real world” you quickly realize that your happiness relies solely on your shoulders. It is now on you to find a job, new friends and new hobbies that will make you the happiest you. Yes, being in a relationship is fun and exciting but the only way relationships can truly grow and survive is if you make yourself happy first. So, stop falling for these false ideals and find a guy who complements the best parts of you.


2013-02-23 11.45.01

Remind yourselves, Christian Grey, even as a fictional boyfriend, is deeply flawed and not always in a rational and sexy way.  More importantly he does NOT exist  and if he did, apparently he would look like a serial killer.

Identikit rendering of the real Christian Grey. Creepy stalker doesn’t begin to describe him.