I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave
‘Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I’m bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

My Immortal – Evanescence

---

W/E Sun Jun-11 – 2011

Report Filed: Agent Mia Grey 40566713 Case File No. 778346657/E

Update Operation Psyche

Subject Eagle spent most of Monday Jun-6 at Escala and was visited by Agent 40566713 at 1645hrs where three 451B low res microcam spots were fixed on the north wall (wall art work), west wall (window frame) and desk (table lamp). Wireless relay unit secured in Weller art glass vase located on Cees Braakman Pastoe sideboard (north wall). No sound recording is available at this time. Server decryption incomplete.

Subject Eagle left Escala at 1830 hours with guard detail and traveled to GEH Corporate offices where he remained until 0200hrs. He returned to Escala at 0215hrs and remained there until 0600hrs whereupon he and his detail commenced a one hour run on track B…

---

May 2001

“You ready, Mia.” She descended the stairs missing every second one and jumping the last six to land beside him as he stretched out his quads. “Come on, you need to stretch.”

“Yeah, you just look after yourself old man.” Mia gave a token gesture of a stretch by jogging a little on the spot while pulling her arm behind her head. Christian shook his head with a wry smile on his face. They walked out the french doors off the kitchen before settling into a gentle jog as they descended down the garden toward the lake. Upon hitting the boardwalk they picked up the pace. The early morning air was cool on their skin and their labored breathing hit them as they headed into the third mile.

“So are you going to miss me?” Mia, ever the show off, turned around and started to jog backward. Christian kept a careful eye on his sister, making sure that she wasn’t about to trip and hurt herself. The last thing he wanted was to have to carry her back to the house and explain any injury to their mother. Since the arrest their parents were keeping him under surveillance, even calling in Elena’s services which made him laugh. Luckily the little prick that had been telling everyone about how he made a conquest of Mia Grey hadn’t pressed charges. Christian didn’t know why his family had backed off but he was relieved that they had. For Elena’s sake, he didn’t want to blow Harvard before he even got there.

“Yeah, I’m gonna miss you shrimp, like an ingrown toenail.” He reached out to ruffle her hair but she quickly ducked. She had something on her mind, he could tell. Sooner or later she would spill.

“Can I ask you something?” Obviously it would be sooner.

“Do I have a choice?”

She shrugged and then stopped at the entrance to the boat ramp. Dropping to her hands she did a quick few press ups. He joined her just as she gave up and sat on the cold ground. Glancing over he decided to keep going. Whatever it was, she was more likely to talk when he gave her space to think. Mia was like that. A lot deeper than anyone else in the family ever gave her credit for. And at 12 years old she was more physically mature than he wanted to think about. That was why pricks like Mitchell McCabe thought she was fair game.

“Do you ever wonder about your parents? Who they really were?” Fuck. Not the conversation he wanted to have. He tried very hard not to think about the crack whore who gave birth to him and then proceeded to ignore him for the first four years of his life. If he was lucky.

“No. Never.” His reply is terse, wanting to shut this down quickly. He noticed that she had taken the hint. Smart girl. “Why? Do you wonder about yours?”

“Not really. It’s just that we’re doing this project at school on our family tree and I asked Dad if I could see my birth certificate but he said he couldn’t find it. I was just wondering…”

She pauses and bites her lip. This isn’t about her project or her parents. “You know, maybe Dad has some good reasons for not wanting you to see your birth certificate.” And as soon as those words were out of his mouth he could see her point. Why would this be a secret?

“You could break into the safe. He keeps all the important stuff in there.” They all knew about the office safe. He had worked out the code a long time ago but since it was full of personal family documents he really had no use for the information it contained. He knew about as much about his past as he ever wanted to know. “Think wedding anniversary. That ought to get you in.”

It was two years later, around the time that Christian dropped out of Harvard that she had the need to remember that piece of information.

---

W/E Sun Jun-11 – 2011

Report Filed: Agent Mia Grey 40566713 Case File No. 778346657/E

Update Operation Psyche

Subject Eagle attended Coping Together Charity Gala at his parents’ Bellevue residence in the company of his security detail and AS. The evening was spent in the grounds until 0030hrs of Sunday when they were accompanied back to Escala without incident. AS is not part of this investigation so no attempts were made to plant a surveillance device on her person. While Subject Eagle and party were not directly engaged in any untoward events, the evening did have several minor incidences worthy of note.

Subject Eagle’s sibling,Code Name: Raven, was a covert presence at the event along with his partner KK. They were accompanied by JH, Raven’s housekeeper, who was a legitimate staff member with Caleb’s Catering. JH supplied cover for KK to work at the event as a waitress. Speculative motive for their presence could be related to increased blackmail activity from one of our Secondary Target’s Code Name: Vulture. AS is newly appointed PA to the Vulture, we are yet to ascertain if this is coincidental.

Raven and KK are not considered Primary or Secondary Targets at this time, however, their activities may need to be monitored for their own safety. KK was seen to have had an altercation with the Swan. This did not go unnoticed by others present at the event. While the Swan did not appear to be agitated by the confrontation, this has raised KK’s profile which may be a safety concern moving forward.

During the evening the Swan also made direct contact with AS which may also raise some future safety concerns.

Another covert presence at the event was Swallow 13. Neither the Vulture nor Swallow 13 were on the guest list for the evening but both were present. Both stayed on the perimeter of the event and did not pose a threat. They did not appear to be working together nor did they seem aware of the others presence. Given their uncertain relationship to the Eagle, site officers elected not to apprehend them at this time.

However, Raven with the assistance of Eagle’s security detail almost apprehended both Swallow 13 and the Vulture in the course of the evening. Agents 21132445 and 33243119 were able to intervene but the concentration of resources allowed both Swallow 13 and the Vulture to slip through the cordon and we lost track of them for a period of time. Swallow 13 was later picked up in the internal fire escape surveillance footage at Escala. She departed at 0430hrs, it is unknown what activities she was engaged in while inside the Penthouse. Around 0030hrs the Vulture departed without incident but then evaded the surveillance detail north of the central business district at 0100hrs. He was not located again until 1200hrs.

---

April 2004 Bellevue, Seattle

The study was bathed in moonlight which made her job a lot easier. She checked the door again before making her way across the room. Nerves kicked in as she reached the safe shelf but she swallowed down any reservations. This time she had asked point blank about her birth certificate and once again her father had hedged. She pestered him, out of desperation mostly, until finally he exploded and told her no without adequate explanation. His flat refusal left her hurt and angry but not completely helpless. She recalled her conversation with Christian choosing to take matters into her own hands.

Her hands shook as she worked her way through the combination. The first time didn’t work but on the second attempt the barrels fell into place with a subtle click. Opening the door she found a pile of documents all carefully organized and labeled. Using what was close to a photographic memory she committed the order of everything to memory as she proceeded to check through each document. She was searching for the one that her father claimed was misplaced. One thing she knew about her lawyer father – he never misplaced anything.

The sweat from her palms threatened to stain the paper and she had to stop for a moment to wipe her hands on her jeans. A sound of creaking floorboards above the study froze her in place. Barely daring to breath she paused before unfolding the paper in her hand and found herself holding both the certificate and a faded photograph. Disbelieving both the words typed carefully across the paper, and the image of three figures outside a hospital entrance,she blinked back tears of horror at what she was seeing. The bile rose in her throat and she had to swallow down the urge to cry with disbelieving rage.

---

June 10 2011 Coping Together Charity Event

The figure, draped in black, stands to one side of the dance floor watching a couple dance. Even through the black sequined mask the venom bleeding from her eyes is clearly visible. If this were any other woman, I would be curious but I know what is going through her head and the ugliness is emblazoned across her face. There is no uglier look on a woman than jealousy. She wears her hatred of Ana Steele like a cloak and she has good reason to feel the threat. Ana is pure light and love. Everything that Elena is not and can never be.

“Hello, mother.” There is only the most subtle of glances my way to acknowledge that she is even aware of my presence. Her complete focus is on Christian as if by mere force of will she can make him turn to look at her. He only has eyes for Ana. Elena has ceased to exist. It must hurt like hell. Seems like the perfect time to rub salt in. “They look good together, don’t you think? I have never seen Christian so besotted with anyone. I really think he is falling in love. Don’t you?”

Her body stiffens as she straightens up and turns to look at me. “Don’t call me that, and I don’t think that little tramp has what it takes to hold Christian’s interest for long. She is a gold digger pure and simple. I just hope your brother opens his eyes before it is too late.”

“Anyone would think you were jealous…mother…”A hiss forms in her breath as I continue to watch them dance. “Christian is a big boy. He seems to know what he wants.” Pausing for effect I turn back to look in her eyes. “And what he doesn’t.”

Elena pushes past me and starts to stalk towards the house. I grab her arm before she can get too far. For a moment we both freeze glancing down at where I am holding her before I raise my eyes to hers again. The telltale glistening of tears is unexpected. I might have assumed that she had feelings but I know better. Elena doesn’t do emotion. Not unless you call hard-nosed evil bitch troll an emotion.

“Elena, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply anything. I know you only have his best interests at heart.” I’d like to say that it wasn’t my intention to antagonize her but sport is sport and she is fair game…most of the time. However, right now I need her so I have to rectify my little mistake. “I wanted to talk with you.”

“Why don’t you run along and join your date. He is looking a little lost.” A lie. The one thing Sean doesn’t do is lost. He fits in everywhere. The only thing Sean doesn’t do is straight even though he has yet to come out to his family. I am merely a beard and have been for years. It has been a convenient arrangement for both of us. He gets a cover story for his parents and I get a foil for unwanted male interest. While it is good to have him here tonight it does feel strange to think that once all of this is over, I won’t need him again. God, I miss my husband.

“He is fine. I think he has his eye on someone else.” I know exactly who and there is going to be one lucky little waiter who will get to play Cinderella to his Prince Charming. “Can we go somewhere private.”

She hesitates for a moment but I can see when she can’t resist. I never ask her for anything. With a slight inclination of her head I get what I want and slipping my arm through hers I move with her to a secluded space on the outside of the main marquee near the band. I require the cover of music for this conversation. Thank God for big bands and Frank Sinatra wannabes.

“I have heard about a place that I think you are familiar with and I want to know more.” She says nothing, so I continue. “I want you to understand that I hold no judgment with this request. Things happened for me in Paris and I want to pursue my new…interests. From what I hear, you might be able to assist me with my…hobby.”

“Stop being so cryptic, Mia. It is a tad over-dramatic don’t you think? Why don’t simply tell me what you are talking about.”

“Orpheus.” I watch her face color slightly and then she pulls her emotional mask down.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” Sharp eyes drill into mine willing me to reveal what I know. The phrase ‘cold day in hell’ rings through my brain.

“Yes, I think you do. In fact, I know you do. I also know that Christian has had a membership there for years. I want in.” That should be enough information for now.

“Why don’t you ask him then?” She goes to turn around and I still her with my hand again. She’s smart, I will give her that much. Thank God there is something redeeming about the bitch. Matricide is such an ugly word.

“Don’t be stupid, Elena. Christian might be heavily into the lifestyle but he would not want his baby sister taking it up. My sources say he hasn’t been showing his face around the club for a while anyway, so he is useless to me.”

“Exactly. So why do you think I, as your mother would approve of your request either.” The expression on her face changes from resistant outrage to shrewd suspicion in a heart beat. Fuck. “If you have ‘sources’ then surely they can give you what you want.”

“Don’t try to be what you are not and have no intention of ever being. I don’t want you to be my mother. I want you to be my mentor. I want you to train me. And my sources might know who is coming and going from Orpheus but they want nothing to do with the scene.” She still doesn’t trust me. Who can blame her. That was a massive fucking amateur slip. I am allowing her to unsettle me. Concentrate Mia. You’re better than this.

“What makes you think I would be interested in training you?” Time to play my trump card.

“Because if you do, then I won’t tell my mother about your little arrangements with my brother.” Her disdain and anger is replaced momentarily by a frisson of fear. Yeah, suck on that bitch!

“You have no idea what you are playing with, little one.” Oh, for fuck’s sake. You have no idea who you are playing with you overdressed, over-primped, over-bleached, over-aged nanny goat. I could have the fucking book thrown at you for what you did to Christian with no goddamn statute of limitations you ugly, fucking pedophile. I hear Ethan’s voice in the back of my head, restraining me from clocking the bitch. Breath Mia, just breath.

“Elena, I have no intention of hurting my mother – my real mother – with any of your deceit. I don’t particularly care what your arrangement with Christian is. I do know that if Mom ever found out it would break her heart.”

“I have no idea what you are talking about.” She seems to be stoically trying to convince herself.

“Stop playing games, Elena. You wouldn’t be this upset about Ana if there wasn’t some…history. Train me and I won’t tell anyone what I know.”

“You are speculating on something that you know nothing about. I don’t expect my own flesh and blood to blackmail.” Oh God, I think I might vomit on her $1500 shoes. Now that might be poetic justice.

“Get used to it, Mother. I have enough photographic evidence to convince my parents that you and Christian have been more than friends.” She has gone very pale as she considers my words. If she knew that I could prove that she was screwing my brother when he was underage she wouldn’t hesitate but I don’t want her to know the extent of my knowledge. Right now this is about giving her enough to take me on. Believe me, if I could un-know some of the shit I know, un-see some of the shit I’ve seen, then I would. I would give my right tit to be ignorant of her evil. I’d give my left tit if she could not be my biological mother.

“I don’t want you in this world. It isn’t for you, Mia.” Yeah, well I’m not sure I want you in this world either.

“Don’t sweat it, Elena. Like I said, I played a little in France. I like it. I want it. And I know you are a club member. I figure from what I have seen of you and Isaac that you are the domme, a switch at best.” She looks like she is about to try and put up another argument. “Look, I know about the Slave Auction this week. I’m going anyway. I already have an invitation. What I would prefer, is not to go on my own. If you don’t think I’m holding my own then I will give you the photographs and we will forget I ever asked. However, if I can convince you I belong then you will train me, or better yet, have Isaac train me. I don’t care.”

For a moment it seems as if she is going to put up another argument. I maintain a look of complete defiance and determination. Finally she capitulates. “One night. If I have any concerns or reservations then I will load you into a cab and we will never talk about this again. And you will give me the photographs anyway.”

There is no way in hell that I would just hand over those photos but she doesn’t need to know that. I nod and walk inside the house. Making my way upstairs I pass my bedroom and pause outside Christian’s old room for a moment. The last time we stayed together in this house was just before he went to Harvard.

---

June 2001

The screams woke her with a start for the third time that week. She lay in the dark listening to his desperation for a few minutes, hoping that he would calm and settle. After a few moments she knew it wasn’t going to happen.

The phone was in her hand before she had time to think about it. He answered within three rings.

“Hey baby girl. Let me hear.” It took a few steps down the hall to reach his room and she entered quietly knowing that if she woke him suddenly from the dream they would both regret it. Holding the phone out she counted quietly to five and then let herself out of the room and back into the hall.

“It will be okay, sweetheart, just do exactly what I tell you.” His voice calmed her nerves.

“Okay.” She whispered. They were alone in the house. Elliot had moved out months earlier. Her father was away on a business trip and her mother was on a night shift. She thought about telling them how frightened she was to be left alone with him but then she knew Christian would be mortified if he thought she were scared of him. And she knew that her parents were at the end of their rope with him. “Lelliot, I’m scared.”

“Don’t be, Mimi. I’m right here, just follow the plan. Go inside the room and stand by the bathroom door. Make sure there is nothing blocking the way. And don’t drop the phone.”

“Lelliot…” Her body was trembling. The quality of his cries told her that this was bad.

“It’s okay, baby girl. Just be ready to run. Don’t hesitate. And remember…”

“Yeah, got it. Don’t drop the phone.” She moved across the room quietly and stood by the door to her brother’s bathroom. His thrashing was punctuated by heart rendering screams and gut wrenching moans. The head of his bed was right beside the ensuite door and she had to step back away from his arm when he flung it out. “I’m ready.”

“Alright. I’m not going anywhere. Do it.” She took a deep breath, counted again and then grabbed the blanket pulling it back from his body. His torso twisted on the bed responding to the change in temperature and he began to reach for the blanket. She threw it down to the foot of the bed.

“Christian. Christian.” As she spoke in a singing tone that was as clear and calm as she could muster, she reached out to touch his face. If she was lucky he would calm, grab the blanket and go straight back to sleep. But if he looked like he was going to wake up she needed to run and lock herself in the bathroom.

His body stilled for a fraction of a second and it was enough to throw her off her timing. Unable to respond fast enough his hand wrapped around her wrist before she could get away. Their eyes met in the darkness, his wild, hers frantic. She barely had time to scream before he had thrown her on the floor, straddling her body and pinning her there with a hand around her neck. She began to choke and thrash as hard as she could but her fear and the lack of air was taking her under. He pushed harder, breathing heavily, an almost evil grimace on his face and those wild eyes flashing in the moonlight. His beauty captivated her as much as his anger terrified. Before she passed out she did the only thing she could manage and lifted one hand to his face, the other hand holding the phone, still gripped in her right hand, she held to his ear. Consciousness was slipping as she heard her oldest brother yelling down the phone.

“Christian. Christian you fuck, let go of her. It’s Mia for Christ sake. Let the fuck go of her. Christian answer me, you fucking cunt. Don’t you fucking hurt her. I will come after you and kill myself. Do you hear me? Do you fucking hear me?” Elliot’s voice was fading for her.

Everything froze for a moment and then she felt the pressure ease as Christian leaped off her body. Tears were coursing down her face as she struggled to breath through a choking cough. “Oh God, oh God, Elliot, she’s choking. Fuck, she’s choking.”

“Christian stop. Calm down. She will be okay. Help her sit up.” Mia could hear Elliot yelling from through the phone. A continual litany of calm-the-fuck-down as she and Christian sat on the floor facing off through their tears. Finally, when his mortification overtook her fear she crawled across the floor and took his face in her hands in an effort to make him look at her.

“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.” He sobbed as he wrapped his arms around her. She snuggled into him, her arms wrapped around his waist and held him while he cried. She knew he meant every single word. Hearing Elliot’s voice from the floor beside them, she reached down and picked up the phone.

“Mia, Christian, somebody talk to me. Guys, please. What’s happening?”

“Elliot, we’re okay.” She wondered if they would ever be okay. She wondered what she would have done if Elliot had been on stage and unable to take her call. She didn’t want to think about him not ever being there to help her. She didn’t want to think about what would have happened tonight if he hadn’t been able to get Christian’s attention.

“Honey, put the phone on speaker so I can talk to him.” She glanced down at the buttons and did what he asked. Without hesitation he started to speak.

“Christian, listen to me. You are okay and so is Mia. Do you hear me? You are both going to be alright. Do you understand me?”

“No, I could have killed her. I almost killed her.” Christian’s tears start anew but his voice is that horrible flat emotionless tone that she hates. That tone frightens her more than the dreams or the screaming or the sheer physical violence. The flat tone always sounds like he is giving up and she couldn’t live with herself if he ever gave up.

“But you didn’t. We did exactly what we planned and it worked. It always works and you didn’t really hurt her. Did he baby girl?”

“No, I’m fine. Honestly. I was scared but I knew you would realize and stop. I knew you didn’t want to hurt me. I knew you would stop, Christian.” She doesn’t know who she is trying to convince. Her body is shaking with the sheer exhaustion of going through this again. So many nights, too many close calls. Too much remorse and regret for all of them.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Mimi. Please don’t hate me too much.” She clung to him.

“I can’t hate you.” She wanted to tell him that she loved him but hated the reaction it would bring. He never wanted to hear that, no matter how much she wanted to say it.

“Christian, Mimi needs to sleep.” This too was part of the ritual of getting through the night. Christian got up off the floor and helped his sister to rise. They both climbed on to the bed and he pulled the blanket over their bodies. Mia lay on her side facing the door with Christian spooning behind her, he placed the phone on the pillow above their heads. This touching and hugging in the middle of the night, in the midst of a crisis, was the only time he let her get this close. She thought of it as her reward for the fear and terror. Tomorrow, Elliot would come and take her out and he would hold her while she cried. Christian would disappear to wherever he went when he hated himself too much to stay around. They would give him space and try not to think of a time when he would choose never to come back. The sound of a guitar came through the receiver and as Mia closed her eyes she concentrated on the sound of her brothers singing to her.

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It’s not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
‘Cause I’d already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn’t make things new
Just by saying I love you

(More Than Words – Extreme)

When the song finished she kept her breathing even and heavy as she listened to them talk.

“Bro, she really will be okay.”

“She’s only okay because you are on the other end of the phone.” Christian sounds so disgusted with himself. “I can’t do this to her any more. It isn’t fair.”

“On you or her? You didn’t ask for this either, Christian. And she loves you. We both do.”

“Don’t. Don’t say that. She can’t possibly love me when I scare the shit out of her every second night. I wish Mom would arrange her shifts differently when Dad is away.” When they were younger she would do exactly that. It was only when Christian and Elliot became teenagers that their mother left them alone at night and she didn’t do it very often. Christian was being too hard on himself.

“In a couple of weeks you will be across the other side of the country and it won’t matter. You have to let it go. We have this plan for a reason and it works.” She wanted to hate Christian. She tried to summon up that hate even as she lay here in his arms. She hated the fear, she hated that Elliot had to save her. She hated that Christian couldn’t wait to get away from her. But she knew hate was simply the other side of the coin. Even at his scariest she loved her brother and she would miss him. Just like she missed Elliot. They would both leave her here and she would have peace but she would ache with missing them. She just wouldn’t miss fearing for her life.

“What if it didn’t…”

“Stop. It worked. It always works. Let it go.” There was a long period of silence in which she could almost hear Christian’s brain ticking over. Just as she was about to drift off to sleep they started to talk again. This time about music. She knew that Christian wouldn’t go back to sleep and she knew that Elliot wouldn’t hang up until morning. She also knew that none of them would ever tell their parents about these nights. With the reassurance that they would talk until daylight she finally drifted off to sleep.

---

Seattle 2011

I push save on the file and close down my laptop thinking about my brothers and the secrets I am keeping from them. When did this happen? When did we stop telling each other everything? Would there ever be a time when we would sit up all night, holding each other close, keeping each other safe? I miss them more than I can say and that missing has become more intense since I stepped foot back on US soil. I have never felt so far away.

---

A/N: I apologize for slowing down with the updates. I hope that you enjoy this offering. Thank you for your ongoing support and the lovely reviews. I appreciate each and everyone of you for helping to shape this work and for continuing to show your support. Sasha xxx

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