No Water Can Wash Away This Pain by Lotus Carroll http://www.flickr.com/photos/thelotuscarroll/6731250725/

If you want (Oh, yeah)

Just let me know

If you got it ’cause

It’s strictly physical

Don’t be a fool, boy

Just ’cause we’re dancing go, go

It’s just an illusion leave your emotions for home

–Strictly Physical – Monrose

Surprisingly, this domestic bliss has a strange normality to it but my over-analyzing brain is telling me it’s too good to be true.  He’s sucking you in, Kavanagh.

Elliot notices a washer needs replacing in the kitchen and he goes all Mr Fixit, while I take my post-gluttonous  tension headache off to the shower.  But when I get there I stall, looking at my reflection in the rapidly steaming bathroom mirror. This is what I want, isn’t it?  A full blown real adult relationship with commitment? But Elliot ‘Manwhore’ Grey doesn’t do commitment and neither do you, Kate.   Terror sets in at the feeling of being blindly drawn in; wanting desperately to believe and knowing that you will be hit with some awful truth that will rip it all apart.  Men like Elliot are predictable.  He will get bored after a few weeks and start looking elsewhere.  Or, if it lasts a little longer than that he will feel trapped and cheat on me.  Most likely he is keeping me preoccupied while Christian seduces Ana, and he will walk out that door in an hour or so and never look back, while I hit the chocolate to dull my unrequited longing.

There has to be an ulterior motive, because nothing could be this good, this fast. People like Elliot and me, we  simply don’t fall in love. We manipulate, we pose, we use so that we can’t be used.  Eventually, I step into the flow of the shower. I can’t trust him. I won’t trust him.  My mind might be resolved but my body betrays me and starts shaking. Silent tears begin to flow and suddenly he is there in the shower with me, his arms wrapping around me from behind as he holds my body and soul together.

“Baby, don’t cry.  Sshhh… Please don’t cry.”  I turn in his arms. He has stripped off his shirt and shoes but is still wearing his jeans. He doesn’t seem to care. Gentle kisses build in passion and urgency and he picks me up and carries me out of the shower not taking his mouth from mine. My arms wrap around his broad shoulders and my legs grip his waist as he grinds against me. I can feel him hard against my groin and I ache with need while he runs his hands over my body.  I want more. I need more.

Placing me down on my feet and he holds my waist as he reaches for a towel and wraps me up, squeezing the water from my hair. He is taking care of me again.  He reaches into the shower and turns off the water. The tears have eased but I’m still shaking. He dries me thoroughly before squeezing paste on my toothbrush and handing it to me. His expression is gently impassive; just a man going about his business.   It belies his kindness and the tears threaten once more. What the hell is wrong with me?  I must have PMS.  At that thought I mentally bitch-slap myself.  No freaking excuses, Kavanagh.  Pull yourself together.

Our reflection in the mirror grabs my attention. Anyone would look at us and assume that we had a magical life. Two beautiful people who belong together. Him with his tall, rugged, beach boy surfer look; all blonde hair and blue eyes with a trace of stubble. Me with my tousled damp, dark blonde curls, clear skin and green eyes. We should not have problems; we have youth, looks, money and the world is our oyster. It’s a painful illusion.  Why do you want to get real? Surely, you can just enjoy some casual sex and move on with no regrets? What is with all the hearts and flowers shit?  Yeah, problem is I am already falling hard for him and I know he will hurt me because that’s what happens.  I want to believe in happily ever afters but I, of all people, know better. I rinse my mouth and look at him in the reflection again. So beautiful, so fake.

“I want this with you, Kate.” He whispers in my ear, as if he can read my mind and I grit my teeth angrily.

“What exactly do you want, Elliot? You still haven’t made love to me. Why?”  I would go on the attack but right now, I am just tired and confused.  I haven’t got the energy for venom so I return to brushing and rinsing hoping that he will shut the hell up. My concern is not that I am undesirable physically to him. I felt his reaction to me in the shower and on the dance floor last night. No, my concern is about all the baggage that goes with it.  Relationships based on lust, money, business – those I can understand because they are already on a trajectory to hell.  Love at first sight? No way.  Promising heaven.  Doomed to failure.  They always end up one-sided and someone gets hurt.

The only problem with this thinking is that my body has worked itself up into a frenzy of lusty neediness.  I couldn’t say ‘no’ to him now if my life depended on it.  His reluctance to just get on with the business of shagging me senseless might be because he can see I am pathetic and needy.  Hell, if I saw myself in a movie right now I would be screaming at the hero to run and leave the needy, whiny bitch behind.  He has to be thinking the same thing and mentally he already has one foot out my front door.  If he doesn’t give in and sleep with me then he can move on once Christian is done with Ana and we can pretend that none of this ever happened. When I look back at his face his expression hasn’t changed.  All business.  So what he says next has me scraping my jaw off the floor.

“We didn’t have a condom in the shower. I don’t want you to ever have any regrets about this, Kate.” Holy fuck! Not what I expected.  So he is just trying to be sensible?  What do you want, Elliot? Reassurance that you have done the right thing? His altruism is quite frankly pissing me off. Then another thought comes shooting in from left field. Should I be concerned?

“I’m clean and I’m on the pill. How about you, Grey?”

“I’m clean and I want you to know that you can trust me, Katie.” Said the bishop to the actress.  “Always… But right now, you have no reason to trust me so I am going to have to earn that trust.” While I am perfectly willing to believe he is clean (he doesn’t look stupid) I am not sure if we have the same ideas about trust. He gives me that genuine, heartfelt, ‘cheque is in the mail, my girlfriend doesn’t understand me’ look.  Don’t go there Kate. Elliot Grey is known to have slept with half of Seattle. Don’t be a fucking idiot.  

But it is too late, I believe him.

“Elliot, I …” What do you want me to say? That I trust you now? Crapola, who are you kidding, Kavanagh?  You want this and you want him. I don’t know how I know but it was a genuine attempt at honesty on his part. Suspicious cow that  I am, I’m struggling to form a response. “How do you know you can trust me?”

There’s a pause, a smile before he shakes his head and steps in towards me and lifts me up onto the vanity. Opening my legs, he moves in between my thighs and pulls my arms around his waist.

“Katie, you had me at the Heathman. I trust you completely. But this thing that’s happening between us?  Hell, I don’t know what to say except I want to tell you things you’re not ready to hear. Shit, they’re things I had no idea I would be ready to say to anyone.  But you… Most of all I want to make love to you. But I want… no, I need to take this slow. I can’t explain it very well but I don’t want to mess this up.”

I’m doomed.   I’m simply not as shocked as I probably should be. The hint of truth in his words has me wanting so badly to believe him but he is right, I don’t want to hear anything that will turn out to be a sweet lie.  Jesus, Kate, why don’t you just hand him a knife and tell him to start cutting?

“Okay, Elliot, let’s just take it slow.” If we start declaring undying love for each other no one is going to believe us. Least of all us. “I vote we just have wild monkey sex and drive everyone nuts with how into each other we are.” That they will expect. I put on a smile that I am not really feeling. This ‘other’ something between us still has me on edge.  Smiling at me, he gives a sad, soft laugh as he places his palm on my face.

“You’re right, Angel. I can see that you don’t want to trust what I’m feeling.  But I’m not feeding you a line and I’m not going to hide this forever.  Something about this is different for me.  I’ve got this insane urge to shout it out loud. Keeping how I feel about you to myself is going to kill me.”

Oh, crap!  I can see in his eyes that he believes, in this moment, that he means it and it’s bringing me undone.  I give him about five minutes before he’s breaking down my defenses. Rather than fight, I lean forward and kiss him. I don’t know what ‘this’ is. It just can’t be …love, it is too soon and it is not what the Elliot Greys and Kate Kavanaghs of the world do. But he is right, this is different; intense and mesmerizing.  Just please don’t hurt me.

“Can you keep a secret?” I whisper. He nods with expectant laughter in his eyes. He wants me to confess my feelings, I can tell. “So can I.” His laughter is gentle with a hint of melancholy.  Like I just kicked his dog.

“Can you really keep a secret?” he asks, gently nudging my cheek with his nose. I lean back to look him in the eye and nod. “I think I love you, Kate Kavanagh.”

Shit! Don’t do this Elliot, don’t ruin this. I don’t want you to tell me you love me and then walk away unscathed when you suddenly change your mind. Because I just might love you, too and if you do that to me it will hurt so much, I will want to die. He must see the horror in my eyes and he shifts his body.

“Fuck, Kate, I…” He runs a hand through his hair as he steps away from me. Damn, he is running already. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I had to blurt it out like that. Not that I don’t mean every word but now, I know you are going to run and I don’t blame you.” Not me, you, Elliot Grey, you are going to run.

I sit up straight and I reach out for his hand.   I don’t know why I feel the need to reassure him.

“Elliot, it’s okay, it was just a surprise, that’s all. Nobody has ever said that to me before.”

“You mean so soon?” His head is down. He can’t look me in the eye. Damn!

“I mean, ever” I say sadly. He looks surprised and I feel I have to explain what a loser I really am. “Look guys fall for the looks, the money, the connections but not for the girl. I’ve always known that.” Don’t take it back, Elliot.  Make me believe you.

“You deserve to be told it often” he whispers, then he looks me directly in the eye. “If it’s any consolation I have never said it to anyone before.”

“Ever?”  Yeah, sure, and I’m Mother Theresa.

“To a girlfriend? Never.” He shakes his head. Wow. I don’t quite know what to do with that information. Does this mean we’re going steady?  Do I get to wear your ring? My heart is going a million miles a minute, trying not to go all Sandra Dee on his ass. I try to keep calm by dropping a gentle kiss his shoulder. He looks at me questioning, “You have me over a barrel here, Miss Kavanagh.”  Fuck! He wants me to say it back. No… Freakin’… Way!

“You want me to say it too?” I am fairly sure that my heart has just shriveled up into a little hard ball inside my chest.  I must be in-fucking-capable of saying it to feel this damn miserable and scared.

“No. I want you to mean it when you say it. If you say it. It’s just…” He hesitates, unsure how to proceed. His eyes look slightly haunted.  Oh, God, don’t take it back, don’t take it back! “Look, I am not going to take it back if that’s what you want. It’s out there now and I mean it. I do love you and I don’t expect you to feel the same way, yet. But please, give this a chance. I want to prove to you that I mean it. I want you to say it to me one day and really mean it. I can wait… just … don’t run from me, please.”

My inner bitch, as hard-nosed and uncaring as she is, is currently doing a happy dance. He loves me, he loves me, he really believes he loves me… He has just handed me power and that thought makes me feel ill.  I’m not sure I want that responsibility.  And God help me, I want to say it.  I want to sing it from the top of some green-grassed mountain a la Julie Andrews but… Sister Katherine of the Sensible Shoes steps in and stops the show.  Now Kate.  Don’t be so stupid.  Commitment is hard, nobody knows that better than you.  He may very well be in love with you but he isn’t committed and that, my dear, is where you will have your heart broken.  Sister Katherine would never be telling Elliot how she feels so soon.  She also wouldn’t be contemplating sleeping with him either so she really is no judge of character.

“Elliot, I’m not running. Thinking, yes, but not running. I want to mean it when I say it, too. So please, give me some time. It’s just you are… well… you, and you have this reputation.  And this?  It just doesn’t fit my picture of who I thought you were.”

“Yeah, doesn’t quite live up to the hype does it?” I shake my head and he gives a little laugh. “Let’s just forget this happened for the moment.  Okay?”

I don’t think I will ever forget this. “Okay.” And I wonder which one of us is lying the most.

Sliding down off the vanity, I reach out and start to undo his pants.

“You’re wet. You need to get dry.” I continue to undress him, sliding his wet jeans and boxers down then slinging them over the shower rail to dry. My towel is still wrapped around me and I look into his eyes. “I may not be ready to say it with words but I am more than ready to say it with this.” I drop my towel and stand naked before him. His eyes run hungrily over my body, quickly followed by his hands as he pulls me into his arms. With lingering kisses, he laves his tongue over my skin awakening my nerve endings. I become all sensation, standing here trembling in his arms. His hands pull down in a long stroke down my sides as he sinks to his knees. He kisses my stomach and begins to touch me. I am hot and so ready. With a flick of his tongue he elicits a moan from me while his fingers play me like a piano. I thrust my pelvis into his mouth as he urges me towards an elusive edge.  Before I can tip over, he rises to kiss me and I taste my salty tang on his mouth.

Between kisses, he murmurs, “Baby, you taste so fucking beautiful.”  And I am pretty sure that fireworks just went off in my nether regions.

Lifting me up, he carries me through to my bedroom. I’m tall but I feel tiny in his strong arms.  I can feel him hard against me and my clit is aching with need. Gently lowering me to the bed, he runs his hands up to cup my breasts then lowers his lips to my nipples, laving, licking and nipping at them.  The way he works them over has me writhing beneath him but his knees are on either side of my hips, holding me firm. A moan sounds in my ears and it takes a moment to realize it’s me.

Sliding down my body, he kisses and licks as he goes. I feel his hand between my legs and then he slowly inserts two fingers into me gently massaging the inner wall.  I’m barely keeping it under control when his tongue flicks over my clitoris causing an electric shock then he begins to suck. At this point, I buck my hips off the bed and I’m one hover shy of full levitation as I build too quickly.  My orgasm hits me hard and fast with him sucking my juices.

“Jesus. H. Christ!” Sister Katherine of the Sensible Shoes has long since left the building in disgust.  He leaves his fingers inside me as he rises and returns to kissing my mouth. I can taste myself on his lips, which would have revolted me in a previous life but this new superslut-Kate is so into it.

Coming back down to earth, I feel his hard cock against my stomach and I reach down to stroke him.  It’s so thick and powerful but smooth and silky. God, I want him inside me so much and I move him to my entrance.  God seems to be a little miffed at the blasphemy because Elliot shakes his head as he moves my palm over his cock until I am once again stroking the long hard length. His body is still, his head braced on his arm as he leans on the bed beside me. I kiss up his chest and neck without stopping the rhythm finally thrusting my tongue in his mouth. He moves his fingers back to my aching cleft and we kiss and stroke each other.

Once more I feel myself building as his thumb plays across my hard nub. It feels so damn good and his shaft seems to be getting harder in my hand.  Unfortunately, I don’t seem to have an off button when it comes to this man.  There is simply no holding back for me and I detonate once more around his fingers. Quickly, to cover my embarrassment at being such an easy mark, I move down to take him in my mouth. Now, I know the nuns would be mortified at this wanton display.  Well, all except Sister Marie-Therese, who we once caught on her knees in the vestibule with one of the alter boys, but he tastes so good. I lick around the head of his cock. Leaning over to the night stand he grabs a foil packet and quickly rips it open. I push him back on the bed and help him to sheath his long hard erection before straddling his hips and impaling myself on him.

“Fuck Kate, Jesus, that feels good.” So much profanity and it’s making me hot. Somehow I think God would approve.  I squirm on him adapting to the fullness of his large cock invading my body.  I’m no virgin but it’s been a while and I’m tight as a Scotsman’s purse. I start to move slowly at first sliding up and down his long shaft. The pressure is too much and I build incredibly fast. Then his thumb strokes me again and all bets are off.   I tip over the edge once more, with a long pulsing orgasm that leaves me breathless.

In a quick smooth movement he picks me up, still inside him, and throws me down on my back. Pushing my thighs up with his arms he thrusts hard into me, trying to get as high inside me as he can. I lift one leg over his shoulder to give him access. He is so far in I think I can feel him hitting my stomach at which point, I start to pray that I will live through the experience. He withdraws slowly and slams in again. I cry out with the impact.

“Shit, did I hurt you?” I shake my head but my eyes are watering.

“No, it feels amazing.” I thrust back up to meet him and he begins to move again. It’s hard and fast and we are both climbing with the sensation. His breath is rapid and the small grunts coincide with the slap of his balls against my skin, turning me on more than I could ever believe possible. I am reaching and reaching with every thrust and to the surprise of the assemble crowd in my head I orgasm again, pulsing around him with a scream.

“Fuck Kate, baby!” He cries out as he comes hard inside me then collapses down on top of my body. I bring my leg back down to a normal position trying to breath under his weight.  He lifts himself up and stares down at me. “Were you some kind of gymnast? Baby, that was fucking amazing.”

I smile. Hit the nail on the head there, Mr G.  All those years of flexibility training didn’t go to waste.

“You were pretty amazing yourself.” Understatement!  Even the good sisters would be shaking their heads.  I laugh a little with my hand covering my eyes and that brings on a whole new sensation with him still inside me.  With flexibility training come outstanding kegels.

“Damn it woman, you are going to make me hard again. Stop that.” He is still breathing hard and that makes me laugh even more. Then we both still and look into each others eyes. The longing is intimate and intense and we both begin to move again. Soon he is kissing me and our pace picks up but is more controlled and gentle this time. There is a reverence in this lovemaking and we reach our pinnacle together, clinging to each other’s faces as we guide each other over the edge.

“Shit, Kate. Fuck.” He is breathing hard, as am I. We hold each other close as we come down.  And my heart spirals into a free-fall.

Buy Strictly Physical on Itunes

Next… Chapter 10 Later for You, Baby…

Fanfic Reviews

Carmelroads 3/17/13 . chapter 9 “Baby, you taste so fucking beautiful.”- this just did it for me. Idk why but gahhhhhhh I think I’m in love with Elliot!

devangel6 1/2/13 . chapter 9 They complete each other beautifully. It’s really unusual to see Elliot to be the one to confess his true feelings fist, but they both feel it and know it’s there, Elliot just seems a bit braver to tell the truth, he has more experience after all.

love life laugh 11/2/12 . chapter 9 hot stuff

Guest 10/26/12 . chapter 9 Great chapter.

Angela76 10/15/12 . chapter 9 Oh my, I think I have fallen even more in love w/ Elliot! This was a great chapter, very well written, and super HOT! I loved it!XOXO, Ang

glory2bee 10/15/12 . chapter 9 That was hot! I love your Kate and Elliot.

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