Romance, Erotica and Marriage

I just posted this into a discussion thread on The Dance of Romance blog and thought, since Valentines Day is around the corner, that I would share it here as well.

First, I would like to congratulate you and your readers/contributors for their honesty, bravery and insight. I have been married for over 20 years to a man I met nearly 30 years ago. I was 18, it was love at first sight. He was 21 and the intensity of our relationship scared him. We remained friends and colleagues for the next 7 years and when we decided our relationship was back on again, it was a very quick trip down the aisle. I have always been a lover of romance fiction and moved into erotica as both a reader and writer post the fifty shades launch. The fantasy lover has always stimulated me but my real lover is the man who fulfils all those dreams. We indulge together in viewing and reading when the mood moves us but we have never relied on porn or erotica to get there. The key has always been communication. He has seen me at my best and worst and chosen to stay anyway. We have been through bored, tired, stressed, sick but as long as we kept talking then going through dry spells was ok.

Recently our sex life has stepped up a notch. Part of that is about all the reading and writing I do for my blog but the other development is more subtle. Our kids are grown up enough now to give us space. To get intimacy in a marriage you do need to work at getting privacy but when the logistics of creating those private moments – the babysitters, the night off work, the restaurant or hotel bookings, the taxi, the toys, the wine (the song) – all become like some major project to be managed then the spontaneity is gone, buried under the weight of heavy expectation. A similar feeling ensued when we were trying to get pregnant the first time. It took nearly three years, a lot of monitoring of temps and ovulations charts. Sex was a chore, a means to an end, an obligation. These patterns are not unusual in any relationship and appear in many guises over time. We need to recognise them for what they are. For example. When you suddenly realise that you haven’t been in the bathroom on your own for four years because there is a toddler following at your heels every second of the day it is not easy to get your sexy on. When the kids were young I didn’t crave privacy for intimacy, I craved it for myself, for my sanity. So I am happy to report that my teens give us lots of space, both physically and logistically and now we can make spontaneous noisy love more regularly. Oh, and yes being noisy changes the game up too. Silent sex takes its toll.

We have always made love in our relationship. Now we also have great kinky sex whenever the mood hits. He talks dirty to me in the bedroom and treats me like a lady in public. We talk and debate a lot, we laugh even more and we work at romance. I thought I was in love with him when I first met him. That is nothing to how I feel about him now. And before you say it,no relationship is perfect. We both considered walking away at one point when things were bad,we are still capable of a good argument, complete with dramatic exits and periods of pouting. He is still the first person I would turn to in a crisis. It is hard work being single. It is harder work being married and not wanting to kill each other from time to time.

I know many of your readers are still looking for the One. Well, I am not a great believer in perfection. The beauty is in the flaws. And the dance continues well past the vows. If you don’t keep dancing together with the one you have chosen, the one who chooses you, then your muscles atrophy and your forget the steps. Don’t worry about losing rhythm just keep it moving.


2 thoughts on “Romance, Erotica and Marriage

  1. Atterbury ( Liz) says:

    Sasha, I love your story, I feel your story, I share the understanding of loving your life partner thru the tests of time. Beautifully written, so special to have had the the opportunity to read this real life Love journey. Happy Valentines Day! My husband and I call it Amateur’s Day! Honored, XOX


  2. Thank you Liz. We are lucky in many ways and learning every day. I hope that your love is at least as good as this, and from time to time more. I used to think that it was sad to miss that heady feeling of falling in love for the first time but then one day I realized that is infinitely better and I always have the memory of first love. Plus I can keep that alive by writing stories. Hope you and your hubby have a very special Amateur’s Day! 😉


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